How to Improve This Country’s Public Bathroom Situation

I can’t believe no one’s thought of this yet.

To be clear – I’m of the opinion that I don’t care what bathroom a person uses. But I’ve got an idea that would appease both sides of this whole weird controversy.

It’s simple: lose gendered bathrooms. Lose common area bathrooms, period. Make all public bathrooms a series of unisex pod-like stalls in a row. The most important part of this innovation? No more urinals. All stalls, baby.

Here’s why this would work: what man in his right mind would complain about urinals ceasing to exist? Nobody’s going to bat for urinals. “Having stalls fixes a lot of problems, but possibly seeing a guy’s dick out of your peripherals is every man’s right!”

Urinals are one of mankind’s worst innovations. It’s like someone saw somebody else going to the bathroom and thought, “How do we turn this into a group activity?”

Not to mention it would eliminate the abomination known as the trough urinal. You ever use one of these, guys? It’s like competitive peeing. Every guy in the football stadium is teaming up to relieve themselves in a giant floor sink. Don’t think we’d have a problem with those going away either.

Too expensive, you say? I think we’d be find room in the budget for it. Remember, most politicians are old white guys. All you gotta do is say, “If we pass this new “All Stalls” bill, you won’t have to pee next to a guy while trying to simultaneously not look at his junk AND peak at his junk to make sure it isn’t bigger than yours.” That bill would be passed faster than something really fast. I don’t know, imagine some obscure fast guy Dennis Miller would reference doing something really quickly.

See, these are the types of ideas that make me think I should run for President one day.

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I Kinda Respect Muskets

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Of all the weapons from olden times, is there a more endearing one than a musket?

It was a gun that sucked as a gun. Any weapon intended for one on one combat that takes a lot of preparation is kind of more adorable than terrifying. How can you be scared of a guy who tells you, “I”m going to KILL YOU!!!! Ya know…as soon as I take the next 45 minutes to carefully pour gunpowder into this thing and use a weird thing to press it in!”

The funniest thing about muskets is how they attached a knife at the end of it. It’s like the musket inventor was saying, “Look, I already know this is going to be a shitty gun. That’s why we’ve got an entirely different weapon on it too.” Come to think of it, it’s really inconvenient to use as a knife. It’s long, and stabbing somebody with it would be really hard. So basically, it’s not just a bad gun, it’s a bad knife too. it’s got the distinct honor of being two types of weapons, both of which it’s horribly bad at being.

How did the Revolutionary War ever end? It was a war with two armies using the least efficient weapon ever invented. Did the Americans win they decided, “Fuck it, just use normal knives. It’s way better of a knife than the musket, and real guns are a long way away from being invented. We may as well just rock with these. Between our shitty weapons and these fucking wigs that keep getting in our eyes this stupid ass war is never going to end.”

My main point is if I ever got dropped into the middle of that war after hoping in a time machine, I’d be the guy with a switchblade yelling, “I’m telling you guys, this is better!”

My Favorite Street Name Will Always Be “English Muffin Way”

There’s a street in Frederick, Maryland called “English Muffin Way.”

Don’t know why. Don’t much care. In fact, I don’t really want to know the real reason. I’d rather speculate.

Is it a street entirely made of English muffins? 
Forget pavement, forget cobblestone. Imagine a road made out of Thomas’ English muffins. That’s what I’m thinking of when I hear English Muffin Way. Then at the end of it there’s a giant toaster and stick of butter.

Was it named by a guy who was really into English muffins?
Maybe Thomas himself  decided to buy himself a road. What better way to honor his meal ticket than

Was it named by a guy who’s reassuring another guy that the thing he’s looking at is in fact an English muffin? 
“What am I looking at here?”

“An English muffin.”

“No way.”

“Way. English Muffin Way.”

Maybe it was named by a guy who wanted to name a street after a toasted breakfast item but all the other ones were taken.
Unfortunately, Toast Avenue, Bagel Street, and Biscuit Crossing were all snatched up real quick.

Which one of these are true? Who knows. Could be none. Could be all of them. I’ll never investigate, as I really want the first one where it’s a street made of English muffins to be true.

For more breakfast food-themed street names, sign up for my email list.

We Just Saw A Movie: March Madness

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For only the second time in the history of the We Just Saw A Movie podcast, we DID NOT just see a movie. No, this one’s for college basketball fans. This episode is all about March Madness – in it we go through Elizabeth’s bracket, game by game, to get her picks (and her rationale for her picks, which often leaves Mike incredulous). We also relay some of our March Madness stories, including the time we spent the tournament’s entire first day at an Applebee’s and won a Corona cooler we never use, as well as the time we went to Vegas. Plus at the end of the podcast we watch the end of the UC-Davis/NC Central play-in game after Elizabeth makes a bet on it that could prove disastrous to her bracket.


Make sure you subscribe to the podcast on iTunes and leave a nice rating and review. And if you want to request a movie you can always email us at wejustsawamovie@gmail.com.

VIDEO: The Do’s and Don’ts of March Madness

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Today is the opening round of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament (forget that “first four” nonsense…this is it.) It’s my favorite sporting event of the year – there’s nothing like those first two days.

If you’re new to watching college basketball, let this video be your guide to show you “how” to truly experience March Madness, starring me and my boy Pete Bladel and directed by my main main Adam Dodd:

For more videos, info on upcoming shows, and other stupid ass blogs make sure you sign up for my email list.

(And for more sketches like this, check out The Adam and Mike Show.)

“I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie” Sounds Awfully Defensive

I was watching an episode of Frasier the other day where they made a joke about someone’s wife having a big ass. It made me think of Sir Mix-A-Lot, and the most iconic line from his most iconic hit, Baby Got Back: “I like big butts and I cannot lie.”

I understand why he’d proclaim why he likes big butts so much. But why be so adamant telling the truth about liking big butts?

Have you been accused of lying about this before? Is he with a bunch of his friends who hear this and all bust out laughing, doing the jerkoff motion. “Sure, Mix, whatever you say. Look you may be able to fool your fans but you can’t fool us. We know you’re a titty guy.”

Is he under oath. “I like big butts and I cannot lie. Literally. I just swore on the Bible.” I like to think of what kind of trial he’d be asked that question in. I’d love to hear the lead ups to it. “Mr. A-Lot, is it fair to say you’re known as something of an ass man?”

Maybe he’s answering the question after taking a shot of sodium penthothol during a CIA interrogation. Some agent with his sleeves rolled up is slamming a phone book against his face. “You better not be lying, Mix! Our national security depends on you telling us whether or not you do in fact like big butts! So I’m going to ask you one more time…do you, or do you not…like..BIG…BUTTS?!?!”

None of these are true of course, but I the way he says it makes me think he’s like a childhood George Washington having just chopped down his father’s cherry tree. Only instead of a cherry tree, he’s been asked by his Dad if he likes big butts.

Now seems like as good a time as any to end this blog.

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Do you like pictures of big booties? Well if you sign up for my email list, I will no send you any of those. Seriously, did you really think I would? What’s wrong with you? Also do you not know how Google Image Search works?

We Just Saw A Movie: Kong – Skull Island

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This episode of We Just Saw A Movie we review Kong: Skull Island. The Kong talk doesn’t start until about 21 minutes in though – before that we talk about the trailer for The Circle, why comedians tend to make good actors, and another discussion on theater etiquette.