Avengers: Infinity War is the Worst Movie of 2018

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Avengers: Infinity War is the most anticipated film of this year. It’s goes beyond just being a movie. It’s a cinematic event that has most moviegoers on the edge of their seats waiting to see what will happen.

That’s why I’m so sorry to say it is an incomprehensible mess and a letdown of historic proportions.

(Beware: there are spoilers ahead. Though I feel everyone should read it so they don’t make the same mistake I did in seeing this piece of garbabge.) 

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What Will the Title of Avengers 4 Be?

With Avengers: Infinity War set to premiere later this month, fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe can’t stop speculating on what the title of the series’ NEXT film will be. According to the directors, the Russo Brothers, the title will contain a major Infinity War spoiler and should “terrify” fans. So what’s it going to be? I talked to a few of my Hollywood insider friends, and here are the leading candidates so far:

* Avengers: Thanos Finally Gets the Results of His Colonoscopy

* Avengers: Iron Man’s Wake, Funeral, and Reading of His Will and Testament

* Avengers: Bill Blake is the Man! (Named by Marvel fan Bill Blake, who was the top donor to Marvel’s Avengers 4 IndieGogo campaign)

* Avengers: Nick Fury’s Other Eye Worked This Whole Time

* Avengers: Can You Believe Thanos Impaled Captain America, Hulk, and Spider-Man on Thor’s Hammer Then Roasted Them Like a Kabob?

* Avengers: Sorry We Killed Everyone But Black Widow But This Was the Only Way The Studio Would Let Us Do a Black Widow Movie

* Avengers: Is It Too Late to Get the X-Men in Here Or Are We Pretty Much Finished Filming?

* Avengers: Rise of Hawkeye

Avengers 4 and Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again 2 (crossover event)

* Avengers: Even We Thought Having Thanos Feed Groot to a Woodchipper was a Bit Much

* Avengers: At This Point Does It Matter? We’re Pretty Much Guaranteed Your Money

Why MoviePass is Riskier Than You Think

I’m a frequent moviegoer and recent convert to MoviePass. For a reasonable monthly fee of anywhere from $6-11 a month, the card enables you go to one movie per day. It’s a deal so good, you keep wondering what the catch is. Soon I’ll expect to be at a movie and have an usher walk up and say, “MoviePass, right? Okay, time for your one vicious kick in the nuts per year. You had to know this was coming.”

I’ve used it for a few months, and it is a pretty solid deal. But every good deal has to have drawbacks, right? Below are all the ways in which MoviePass’s Faustian bargain isn’t quite as good as it seems:

It Knows Where You’ve Been: The MoviePass CEO got in trouble for saying the app tracks users’ locations. MoviePass doesn’t just know what theater you’re going to. They know where you’re going after. They know where you came from. They probably know where you’ll be next day before YOU even know. The next time you think to yourself, “Where should I go to lunch?” you’re going to get a notification from MoviePass that says, “You’re going to Chick-Fil-A. Trust us. We’re basically the app version of the cops in Minority Report.”

It Wants Your Lonely Existence to Continue: If you’re attending the movies as part of a couple or family, forget it. MoviePass offers options for single accounts only. This means every time my girlfriend and I go to the movies, we have to order our tickets individually. We can’t go to the box office without feeling like we’re having an affair with each other. That or that we’re on a middle school date and one of our Dads is going to be sitting three rows behind us.

No 3D, No IMAX: If you like watching movies on an unconscionably large screen, you’re out of luck. Any non-standard showing is off limits to MoviePass users. Since I get a headache from 3-D movies this isn’t that big a deal for me. It basically saves me  from the experience of struggling to look at a Magic Eye poster for three hours.

Whoever’s Behind You in Line Will Hate You: To get a ticket, you have to be within shouting distance of the theater. Then you log on to the app select your show time, and line up at the box office or ticket kiosk to swipe your MoviePass card and pick up your ticket. If you wait until you get in line to start this process, anyone behind you is sure to hate you. You’ll be more reviled than “I’ll Pick Out Which Movie I’m Seeing Once I Get Up to the Counter” Guy. Buying tickets should be an orderly, Soup Nazi-approved procedure. This turns it into a Process so complicated, Sixers’ management wouldn’t trust it.

Whoever Doesn’t Have MoviePass Will Hate You: For big movie fans like myself, talk of how many more movies you’re seeing combined with how much money you’re saving is sure to rile up non-Movie Pass users. You’ll begin to refer to the Pass (that’s what we MoviePass users call it) in reverential terms, almost as if you’re in a cult. You’ll try to convert non-believers using everything from peer pressure (“You don’t have MoviePass? EVERYONE is doing it”) to cold hard stats (“As this PowerPoint presentation shows, you’ll save up to $2,500 per year”). Don’t be shocked if you save your way into an intervention from friends and family.

There Aren’t Enough Movies Out to Justify Going Once a Day: If you like in a metropolitan area going to a movie per day could be great – there are plenty of options for movies in New York and L.A. But what if you’re a movie fanatic who lives in a smaller town? Nobody wants to go see Tomb Raider 8 day straight. You’ll end up losing your mind, being dragged out of the theater while screaming, “I had to get my money’s worth! Even if it meant seeing an uninspired, largely unecessary reboot to the point of insanity!”

I highly recommend this service for anyone who loves movies, but buyer beware. You may end up moving into your local movie theater. If you end up subsisting on a diet of popcorn and nachos while moving into an Incredibles 2 standee don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Turns Out “Crashing Satellite” is More Than Just a Great Name for a Dave Matthews Cover Band

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Photo Credit: By NASA 

A falling Chinese satellite is expected to re-enter Earth’s surface this weekend. Experts aren’t sure where it will land, but do think significantly large chunks are expected to hit…somewhere. What else do we know about this errant orbiter? I did a little research and here’s what I came up with:

* Clocked in at #23 on Maxim Magazine’s list of 2013’s Sexiest Satellites.

* Its official name? Tiangong-1, which roughly translates in English to “WATCH OUT, THERE’S A GIANT CHUNK OF METAL HURDLING RIGHT FOR YOU!-1.”

* Started its descent shortly after the Russian space station it was hooking up with asked, “So… what are we?”

* Tiangong-1 is China’s first prototype space station. They’re planning to build more once they really nail down the “evil operating system” you see in most movies about a space station with an operating system.

* Defense experts are still trying to determine whether it’s an errant satellite or just a really shitty bomb.

* Eerie bit of music trivia: an unused verse on the 1969 David Bowie hit Space Oddity may have predicted this. Here are the scrapped lyrics included on Bowie’s liner notes. You be the judge:

This is Ground Control to Major Tom
Watch out for that Chinese satellite
It’s floating in a ah-most ah-peculiar waaaa-aay
Actually floating isn’t quite the word for it….to-daaaaaay!
I’d saaaaaay…..it’s doing something closer to falling
Diiiiiii-rectly for the Eaaaaaarth
The satellite’s going to hit you, and there’s nothing you can do….
(guitar riff) OHHHHH….JINGA JANGA JONGA, BAP BAP

Somewhat odd Bowie’s lyrics included the sound of the guitar, but I’m just reporting the facts.

* In honor of Major League Baseball’s Opening Day, the Chinese government is giving $50 to anyone able to catch a piece of it in a baseball glove.

* According to the Washington Post: “The European Space Agency estimates that there are now more than 170 million pieces of space debris in circulation, though only 29,000 of those are larger than about four inches.” In a rebuttal, space debris added that four inches is actually the average size of space debris, and also that that amount is more than enough to satisfy a space woman.

*  Experts are predicting it may hit Earth on April 1, most likely prompting at least a dozen people to say, “Very funny, Dave. Yeah, I’m SURE a piece of flaming space shrapnel is headed directly for me. I’m SURE that’s not some lame April Fools’ prank” while not turning around.

Bomb Cyclone > Nor’Easter

I have no idea who handle’s winter’s PR, but calling a really bad snowstorm a “bomb cyclone?” Genius. We haven’t seen an innovation in the snowstorm-naming game since whoever came up with blizzard.

While we’re on the subject of weirdly-named winter storms, who came up with “Nor’Easter?” Why not call it a “Northeaster?” What is with the Nor follwed by an apostrophe?

Maybe it was thought up by Francis Scott Key. He put “o’er” in The Star Spangled Banner. Nor’easter is in the same, “weird looking word with an apostrophe in the middle of it” phylum. I can hear him talking to his friends now: “Guys, guys, guys…forget the ‘th.'” We’re going to do to North Easter what o’er did to over.”

From here on out, any snowstorm is a bomb cyclone to me. It’s too much fun to say. The only possible improvement would be to call it a “bomb ass cyclone.” I may have to write a letter to the National Weather Service on that one.

Christmas Clocks and Droopy Trees

In the month of December I get a 10 second reminder of the holiday season at the top of every hour.

There’s a Christmas clock on our mantle that plays a different Christmas tune every hour. Before Christmas? It’s a sweet reminder of the holiday season. After Christmas?

Haunting. Absolutely haunting.

Hearing “Joy to the World” at 6:00 a.m. on January 3rd is like I entered into my own personal horror movie trailer. After that I’m expecting a psychotic doll or clown to pop out at me to complete the inevitable cycle.

After New Year’s, hearing the Christmas clock reminds me there’s little utility to this thing. Why is an hourly reminder of the fact that it’s Christmas needed? Who came up with this product? “Well, if there’s ever a time people need reminding of Christmas, it’s December. Our target audience? People who consume zero media other than clocks in their home.”

I love Christmas, including all the decorations and lights. It’s tough to let it go and take down the decorations, but you have to do it. “Here, remove this reminder of the next time you as an adult will get a present from anyone: 11 months from now.”

Nothing crystallizes this problem like having a real Christmas tree. At the beginning of December our tree looked great and smelled wonderful. Now? I’m almost rooting for a fire. Screw it, I’ve got a fire extinguisher and at least the needles won’t get everywhere.

The branches are drooping and snapping off. The needles are going everywhere. If this thing were in worse shape it would be heading to Planet Fitness for five days in January before giving up on its New Year’s resolutions. I can picture it now, struggling to get through 10 minutes on the elliptical on the easiest setting: “New year, new tree!”

The tree isn’t to blame here. I’m the neglectful owner. If I’m being honest, the watering’s have been much less frequent. I wouldn’t be shocked if someone walking by our window calls Tree Protective Services on me. “You’re going to jail, and we’re putting this tree in a good home. And by good home we mean a home with running water and access to cups. Or, you know…the side of the street.”

I’m Just Not That Into You, Queens Public Library

Don’t you dare read another word past this sentence. This post is for the eyes of the Queens Public Library and no one else.

A few years back I sign up for a Queens Public Library card. Just recently, they started emailing me on an almost daily basis. They’re coming on a little too strong.

Ease up, QPL.

How many updates could a library possibly have that would necessitate daily reminders? “Good afternoon, it’s Tuesday. The books are still free. Sincerely, the Library.”

I want to unsubscribe, but I’m afraid the library will think I’m stupid after that. Anyone who unsubscribes is clearly illiterate, right? I’m worried I’ll get a follow up email: “Oh we see the problem. You don’t want to check out any books because you can’t read, can you? Ain’t that right, idiot?” Then I go check out 200 books at once just to compensate.

And when you want to remind people to use a non-Internet based resource, the Internet has to be the worst way to do that. “Oh  man, I’m glad I got a reminder about what a great source of knowledge the library is. Let me check it out right after I read my next email. What’s this email about? “The 10 Best Cryptocurrencies to Invest in Right Now?” Well, that probably seems more worthwhile than reading some old ass Charles Dickens novel. Back to Google it is.”