We Just Saw A Movie: A Wrinkle in Time

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The We Just Saw A Movie podcast is back with a new episode, reviewing A Wrinkle in Time. This was one of my favorite books as a kid, so I was really interested to see how it turned out. In this episode we review the movie itself plus talk about trailers for Christopher Robin, Mary Poppins Returns, and Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation, which for some reason Elizabeth was REALLY fascinated by. Hit one of the links to your preferred podcast provider below (and don’t forget to subscribe!):

We Just Saw A Movie on Podbean
We Just Saw A Movie on Apple Podcasts

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Should We Be Worried About Hugh Jackman’s Ability to Adapt to Post-Wolverine Life?

Logan hits theaters this weekend and it’s the last time Hugh Jackman will play Wolverine. It’s getting great reviews and he’s been great in the role. It should be a fitting swan song all around, and I’m glad he’s getting the acclaim for it he deserves.

My big issue though, is concerning the man himself. What if Hugh Jackman’s been institutionalized as Wolverine? How’s he supposed to adjust to regular life?

You see it with prisoners all the time. Why can’t it apply to playing a superhero? What other life does he know?  He’s been playing this character for 17 years. You can’t expect him to act in other roles now. What’s he supposed to do, appear in Bronte adaptation alongside Emily Blunt and Colin Firth? I know I wouldn’t.

I don’t see how it can work. Let’s say he works with successful directors but still can’t break the character. Can you imagine Scorsese coming up to him: “Hugh, that last read was great, but please don’t call DiCaprio ‘Bub’ anymore. It’s not in the script.” Or what about Wes Anderson? “Look, I don’t know how many times I have to tell you: your character is smoking a cigarette and holding a long, thin cigarette holder. No, I will not let you “chomp a cigar” instead. And for the love of God, stop referring to Owen Wilson as ‘Bub.'”

That’s to say nothing of the claws. Let’s say he gets cast in some big action movie. And let’s also say he forgets his lines, but he’s so into it, the director lets him improvise. The villain has him cornered. Who’s to say he won’t go, “Well, looks like you didn’t count on my friend Adam. Adam…ANTIUM!” then he goes to draw his claws back and mimes stabbing all the henchmen. As everyone throws up their hands in disgust and the director sighs, ‘Cut,’ the beloved Aussie will assure everyone, “Don’t sweat it, boys. They’ll add the claws in post.”

The most dangerous possibility is that he thinks he’s still invincible. Let’s say he’s out one night and he sees a bank robbery. What’s to stop him from waltzing right in and socking the robber in the face? What’s going to stop him, a gun? He’ll laugh at that! “I don’t think you have enough bullets in there, mate!” he’ll say, winking at a confused old lady nearby who knows he isn’t really Wolverine.

Someone will yell out, “Mr. Jackman, you know you don’t have Wolverine’s powers, right? I mean, you’re speaking in your native Australian accent right now, and Wolverine is not Australian.”

“Come again?” he’ll say before the butt of one of the robber’s machine gun knocks him out cold.

We all love Hugh Jackman. He’s so good as Wolverine, he was able to overcome that his version of the character is nothing like the comics and that most of the X-Men movies suck. We need to come together, as a society, to come up with a transition plan to wean him off being Wolverine. Maybe set up a big farm upstate with a bunch of scarecrows dressed like Sentinels. Give him five twigs to tape to his knuckles to serve as his “claws.” Whenever you see him in public, go out of your way to say, “No side burns, eh? You ain’t fooling me, Wolvie!” or “Hey man, big fan. Also Cyclops was a punk, you deserved Jean’s love.”

Little things like that. If we all pitch in and do our part, we can make sure he has a smooth transition into non-Wolverine life.

You can make your transition into non-Hugh-as-Wolverine life much easier by signing up for my email list.

There is No Way the New Scorsese/De Niro/Pacino/Pesci Movie Will Be Good

Martin Scorsese is reuniting with Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci, and teaming for the first time with Al Pacino, for the upcoming film The Irishman. Netflix paid $105 million for the rights to it. Every Goodfellas, Casino, or Pacino (Cachino?) fan is rejoicing.

But should they be?

You’ll find no bigger fan of these legends than me, but I’m going to call it now: this movie is going to disappoint at best, and suck at worst.

The odds against this thing being good are a lot higher than you’d think. Sure, Scorsese can still dial up his fastball, but his latest efforts haven’t been nearly as good as the classics. Silence was probably good, but I wouldn’t know because seeing it felt like the life version of getting detention. Pesci hasn’t been on screen I believe since The Good Shepherd, the 2006 Matt Damon spy thriller that made the origin of the CIA look about as boring as it probably was. De Niro hasn’t been great in anything in a long time. Every role he’s in may as well be called, “Frowning Grandfather.”

And Al Pacino? It pains me to say this. He’s one of the finest actors to ever live. Michael Corleone is the single most iconic character ever put to film. But we’re only six short years removed from this:

That’s right, sports fans. It was only six years ago that the great Al Pacino ran around on film trying to fuck Lady Adam Sandler.

When the Golden State Warriors signed Kevin Durant, my buddy Lafayette Wright said it wouldn’t work out the way everyone expected necessarily. Why, you ask? Because as he put it, “Life isn’t a video game.” That’s what this feels like. It’s an old band getting back together to play their hits. Only they aren’t playing their hits really, it’s more like a cover of their old hits performed by guys who can’t do it like they used to.  Cinematic karaoke.

When this comes out out on Netflix, I’ll be the first to watch it. And I hope it’s awesome. But my hopes are not high. Until then, let’s all remember these amazing performers from their better times. Like when Al Pacino lusted after Adam Sandler in a fat suit and makeup, crooning about changing his name to Dunkacino.

John Wick: Chapter 2 is the Worst Movie of 2017

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I loved the first John Wick. It was a simple yet well done action movie that was a ton of fun.

I’m sorry to say John Wick: Chapter 2 does not live up to the original.

The movie begins with Keanu Reeves as John Wick. As you remember from the first film, the inciting incident is when a gang of thugs kill his beloved puppy. Wick then goes on to take revenge by killing everyone even tangentially responsible.

You’d think they’d abandon the whole puppy angle in this film, and they kind of do. But the film opens with Wick at Petsmart. The first hour is literally just Keanu Reeves trying to pick out a pet. He looks at kittens, mice, gerbils, iguanas…they even have a lion at this Petsmart, which I’m pretty sure isn’t true anywhere.

They show Petsmart employees helping him make a decision. One asks, “How about a puppy?” and Wick shakes his head and says, “Nah, we did that in the first movie.”

Mercifully, Wick walks out of the Petsmart later with a ferret, a turtle, and a hawk. (I can’t decide!” he exclaims before purchasing all three) As soon as he hits the parking lot, a huge gang of assassins descend on him and execute his turtle. “Shelley!” cries Wick, which is weird because in the first movie he was pretty stoic. In this one Wick spends 25 minutes rolling around on the ground, crying. It’s kind of funny for the first five minutes, but after that it just gets weird. He starts yelling, “GOD THIS IS SO SAD! I’D RATHER HAVE THIS TURTLE BACK THEN MY DEAD WIFE FROM JOHN WICK I!” After he stops crying he walks around the parking lot asking people for a tissue.

Once he gets a tissue he looks right at the camera (jarring fourth wall break) and says, “Time for Johnny Boy to get revenge on those turtle killers!” Only he gets distracted when his pet hawk swoops in trying to eat his pet ferret. So he spends the rest of the movie just shooing away his own pet hawk and holding a scared ferret under his arm. Out of options, he sticks it in his pants and says, “Fuck this, I’ve gotta go kill those turtle guys! Hawky, chill out!” and waddles to his car, ferret still in pants.

The movie then cuts to black with a title card that reads, “Wick would go on to kill all the assassins, avenging Shelley. However, he tragically ended up perishing as a result of a hawk attack, defending his pet ferret. The ferret (also named John Wick) swore vengeance on the hawk, and will return in John Wick: Chapter 3: Ferret vs. Hawk Chapter 1.”

As much as I’m looking forward to that movie, this one definitely disappointed.

We Just Saw A Movie: Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

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In today’s episode of We Just Saw A Movie, we review Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, one of the weaker entries in the Indiana Jones series. This episode features a wide range of topics including: where Indiana ranks on Mike’s list of all time favorite characters, Elizabeth displaying her knowledge of baseball’s Mendoza Line, how Indiana’s son Shia LeBouf’s Astoria protest is affecting Mike’s daily routines, and the translation of what getting to each “base” means in hooking up parlance.

We Just Saw A Movie: XXX The Return of Xander Cage

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We’re back with a new review of XXX: The Return of Xander Cage. We also talk about the trailer and casting controversy for Ghost in the Shell, how the XXX franchise stacks up to Fast and the Furious, and Elizabeth’s fascination with space weather.