We Just Saw A Movie: A Wrinkle in Time


The We Just Saw A Movie podcast is back with a new episode, reviewing A Wrinkle in Time. This was one of my favorite books as a kid, so I was really interested to see how it turned out. In this episode we review the movie itself plus talk about trailers for Christopher Robin, Mary Poppins Returns, and Hotel Transylvania 3: Summer Vacation, which for some reason Elizabeth was REALLY fascinated by. Hit one of the links to your preferred podcast provider below (and don’t forget to subscribe!):

We Just Saw A Movie on Podbean
We Just Saw A Movie on Apple Podcasts


Bomb Cyclone > Nor’Easter

I have no idea who handle’s winter’s PR, but calling a really bad snowstorm a “bomb cyclone?” Genius. We haven’t seen an innovation in the snowstorm-naming game since whoever came up with blizzard.

While we’re on the subject of weirdly-named winter storms, who came up with “Nor’Easter?” Why not call it a “Northeaster?” What is with the Nor follwed by an apostrophe?

Maybe it was thought up by Francis Scott Key. He put “o’er” in The Star Spangled Banner. Nor’easter is in the same, “weird looking word with an apostrophe in the middle of it” phylum. I can hear him talking to his friends now: “Guys, guys, guys…forget the ‘th.'” We’re going to do to North Easter what o’er did to over.”

From here on out, any snowstorm is a bomb cyclone to me. It’s too much fun to say. The only possible improvement would be to call it a “bomb ass cyclone.” I may have to write a letter to the National Weather Service on that one.

Christmas Clocks and Droopy Trees

In the month of December I get a 10 second reminder of the holiday season at the top of every hour.

There’s a Christmas clock on our mantle that plays a different Christmas tune every hour. Before Christmas? It’s a sweet reminder of the holiday season. After Christmas?

Haunting. Absolutely haunting.

Hearing “Joy to the World” at 6:00 a.m. on January 3rd is like I entered into my own personal horror movie trailer. After that I’m expecting a psychotic doll or clown to pop out at me to complete the inevitable cycle.

After New Year’s, hearing the Christmas clock reminds me there’s little utility to this thing. Why is an hourly reminder of the fact that it’s Christmas needed? Who came up with this product? “Well, if there’s ever a time people need reminding of Christmas, it’s December. Our target audience? People who consume zero media other than clocks in their home.”

I love Christmas, including all the decorations and lights. It’s tough to let it go and take down the decorations, but you have to do it. “Here, remove this reminder of the next time you as an adult will get a present from anyone: 11 months from now.”

Nothing crystallizes this problem like having a real Christmas tree. At the beginning of December our tree looked great and smelled wonderful. Now? I’m almost rooting for a fire. Screw it, I’ve got a fire extinguisher and at least the needles won’t get everywhere.

The branches are drooping and snapping off. The needles are going everywhere. If this thing were in worse shape it would be heading to Planet Fitness for five days in January before giving up on its New Year’s resolutions. I can picture it now, struggling to get through 10 minutes on the elliptical on the easiest setting: “New year, new tree!”

The tree isn’t to blame here. I’m the neglectful owner. If I’m being honest, the watering’s have been much less frequent. I wouldn’t be shocked if someone walking by our window calls Tree Protective Services on me. “You’re going to jail, and we’re putting this tree in a good home. And by good home we mean a home with running water and access to cups. Or, you know…the side of the street.”

I’m Just Not That Into You, Queens Public Library

Don’t you dare read another word past this sentence. This post is for the eyes of the Queens Public Library and no one else.

A few years back I sign up for a Queens Public Library card. Just recently, they started emailing me on an almost daily basis. They’re coming on a little too strong.

Ease up, QPL.

How many updates could a library possibly have that would necessitate daily reminders? “Good afternoon, it’s Tuesday. The books are still free. Sincerely, the Library.”

I want to unsubscribe, but I’m afraid the library will think I’m stupid after that. Anyone who unsubscribes is clearly illiterate, right? I’m worried I’ll get a follow up email: “Oh we see the problem. You don’t want to check out any books because you can’t read, can you? Ain’t that right, idiot?” Then I go check out 200 books at once just to compensate.

And when you want to remind people to use a non-Internet based resource, the Internet has to be the worst way to do that. “Oh  man, I’m glad I got a reminder about what a great source of knowledge the library is. Let me check it out right after I read my next email. What’s this email about? “The 10 Best Cryptocurrencies to Invest in Right Now?” Well, that probably seems more worthwhile than reading some old ass Charles Dickens novel. Back to Google it is.”

Whoever Verified the Stat that You Swallow 3-6 Spiders Per Year Was One Weird Ass Scientist

Remember when you were little, and somebody in school would repeat that weird statistic about swallowing spiders? “On average, people swallow between 3 and 6 spiders per year in their sleep.”

I don’t know if that’s true. I’m not sure if it’s an urban legend. Here’s what I do know.

If it IS true…that study was conducted by one weird ass scientist.

Think about it. First off, he had to have the idea that people swallow spiders. More than likely, he ate them himself. “I wonder how many other people swallow these things? Well I know I swallow so many, it probably averages out to about 3 to 6.”

Second, he had to conduct the study. That means waiting in people’s rooms and watching them sleep – ALL NIGHT – just to record how many spiders they swallow. “And that one makes 7. I’m hoping he gets to 10 before sunup. Moments like that are why I’m in the spider sleep swallow counting business.”

How’d he get funding for this? Was there an eccentric billionaire who needed his belief validated. “Doc, I never eat before bed and wake up full every night. I’m thinking it’s gotta be spiders. That’s what I need you to find out.”

I’d feel worse for his assistant. I’d love to hear how that interview went. “Not really worried about any other papers you’ve written. Basically I need to know are you good at A) counting and B) identifying a spider if you saw one.” Then he holds up a picture of a tarantula. “Tell me what this is and count to 30 if you don’t mind. Do both of those and you’ve pretty much got this.”

Speaking of counting spiders, I have a pretty unhealthy fear of spiders. Sign up for my email list to find out more.

How Many Different Ways of Attracting Cardinals Can There Be?

Saw this magazine cover. A couple questions:

  • 39 is way too high a number for this activity. How many possible things can you do to attract cardinals? I could see having 10 or 11….but 39? By 27 you’ll be saying, “Create a sexy mannequin of a girl cardinal, with a blonde wig and a bow on her head”?
  • Who’s that obsessed with birdwatching and cardinals in general that they’re looking for strategies on how to get more in their yard? “It’s not enough to see a cardinal every once in awhile…I need to actively get them here.” Forget looking at the Arizona football teams uniforms, I need the real thing to satiate my cardinal-watching needs.
  • “Attract” is a troubling verb to use here. What’s one of the tips, “Wear that type of cologne lady cardinals like.”
  • Someone’s relieved to see this cover. What else did they do to get cardinals in the yard before this? Were they going to cardinal pickup artist training seminars? “Today we’re going to focus on bird negging. Basically give them backhanded compliments about their feathers. They’ll be eating out of your hand! Only if you have seed in it, though.
  • Didn’t read the byline on this, but really hoping it’s, “Written by a lonely cardinal.”
  • The cardinal in the picture looks way too cocky, like he or she is going to play hard to get for sure. “You’re going to use all 39 ways to win me over, baby.”

The Condescending Pricks at Bumblebee Tuna Don’t Even Trust You to Have Your Own Silverware

Today I picked up a few packets of tuna at the grocery store. Why, you ask? 14 grams of protein, only 60 calories baby. Your boy is trying to eat healthier. Plus they found a way to make one of the world’s most convenient foods (a can of tuna) even more convenient. As a tuna fan, I’ve got to reward ingenuity like that. My can opener holds no real sentimental value to me, so using it less isn’t a giant loss.

I do have a problem with this, though, and it has nothing to do with the packet. It’s the fact that the packet comes with a tiny, plastic spoon.

Here is a numbered list of my issues with the good people at Bumblebee Tuna regarding said spoon:

1. What, you think I can’t afford my own spoon? I’ve got a DRAWER full of spoons, Chico. Years’ worth of spoons. Spoons I bought, spoons I stole from my Mom’s kitchen, I think one of them I even stole from my college dining hall. I’m not a man who lacks resourcefulness when it comes to acquiring spoons.

It almost made me want to go out, steal many spoons from a variety of establishments, and email a picture to packetdivision@bumbleebeetuna.com. Just to show ’em I don’t need ’em.

2. Who eats tuna with a spoon? Not once in my life have I used a spoon to consume tuna. It’s a fork food. Save your spoons for your Bumblebee Cereal, or Bumblebee Soup.

3. This isn’t really an issue with your spoon inclusion, but what’s up with that mascot? Based on the available information, I’m guessing it’s a bee chef/tuna boat captain. How the hell is a bee going to master both those trades? I can accept one, but not the other. No bee is working hard to get out of the hive, become a chef…only to go get on some fishing boat after all that. You know how pissed his parents would be? “Do you realize how much we paid for culinary school? You not making honey cost us literally THOUSANDS of dollars. Whatever. Enjoy being on the bee version of Deadliest Catch. I have no son.”

4. Coming back to the mascot, why doesn’t it look like a bee? It’s too cute and it only has two eyes. It looks more like if Mickey Mouse got caught in that machine from The Fly, only this time a bee was in it with him. Now you have this weird cartoon mouse/bee hybrid, angering God.

5. Last thing: why does the mascot look like he’s really pushing the spoon hard? Like he knows it’s a mistake? You get the feeling Bumblebee Tuna made a bad financing deal with a plastic spoon company, now this is their way of getting out of it. Next up they’re going to have cans of pink salmon that all come with a spork.

Work on your mascot and cutlery game, Bumbleebee Tuna. Until then, I’ll be getting all my vacuum pouched fish from Starkist.

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