A Word on Why Egg Whites Suck

Egg whites are bullshit.

Do they have less calories than whole eggs? Yes.

But it’s like an egg without the flavor. Without the character.

Compared to regular eggs, egg whites feel like an egg that didn’t take a gap year to travel abroad and find itself.

If there was a party with all the breakfast foods, who’s the last one you’d want to be stuck in a corner talking to? Who would be the one prattling on about how much protein they have, checking their pulse every few seconds, probably talking about getting a quick jog in?

Undoubtedly: egg whites.

Egg whites are what you order to make everyone else at brunch feel guilty. “Yeah, I’ll have the healther version of what all these pigs are getting? Can I also get a crown that says, ‘Healthiest Boy in the Land’ on the front of it?”

The true sign you know egg whites suck: buy a carton of egg whites some time. You’ll notice that on the side of it, there are a list of ways you can use egg whites.

You know a food sucks when the box has to convince you to eat it.

The brand name of it may as well be, “Egg Whites: Before You Put Us Down, Hear Us Out!”

Think about it. Ice cream doesn’t have to do that. It doesn’t need a side hustle. You’ve never seen an ice cream container that says, “Breyer’s French Vanilla: PERFECT if you have a bruise and you need the swelling to go down.”


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