Why You Can’t Trust a Stray Cat

There are multiple stray cats in my neighborhood.

One day walking by I saw one stuck in one of those metal cat traps. Now I’m hoping this was just to get the cat spayed or neutered. But I also like to think it’s just someone who figured out the easiest way to get a pet who hates you.

“Well, we were hoping for a tiger, but that’s outside our budget.”

That, or it was set up by the mouse version of the guy from Saw.

The fact that the neighborhood has a dozen stray cats just shows how much more likable dogs are. You know what would happen if a neighborhood had 12 stray dogs? Someone would immediately just get 12 new dogs. Hell I’d turn my own apartment into a no-kill shelter to avoid having every walk to the bodega become having to watch the Tramp from Lady and the Tramp forage for food.

Everyone in the neighborhood loves these cats. “They eat all the pests!” they say. That may be true. But they also hate us. I went within a foot of the one stuck in the trap and it hissed at me like I started reading Mike Huckabee’s tweets off to it.

So yes, they eat mice and rats. But I still don’t think you can trust them. Why? Because it feels like one day they’re going to expect protection money like the Mafia. I’ll end up standing outside my house waiting around like a jackass, holding a manilla envelope stuffed with a dead bird.

The lesson here? Be careful giving food to neighborhood stray cats. Soon they’ll expect payoffs. Then you’ll be pressured to join their cat gang, help them pull off the Lufthansa heist, and end up frozen solid in a meat locker because you brought your wife around their cat hangout wearing a new fur coat.

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