Avengers: Infinity War is the most anticipated film of this year. It’s goes beyond just being a movie. It’s a cinematic event that has most moviegoers on the edge of their seats waiting to see what will happen.
That’s why I’m so sorry to say it is an incomprehensible mess and a letdown of historic proportions.
(Beware: there are spoilers ahead. Though I feel everyone should read it so they don’t make the same mistake I did in seeing this piece of garbabge.)
The film begins well enough. All our favorite heroes congregate in new factions. Thor meets the Guardians of the Galaxy. Iron Man and Spider-Man meet Doctor Strange. They all discuss the impending threat of the galactic evildoer, th Mad Titan Thanos. Earth’s Mightiest Heroes decide to put aside their differences to overcome him once and for all.
Here’s where it starts to get bad.
Captain America receives a text from Black Panther saying Thanos told him he’d be attacking Wakanda. Not sure why he’d just tell the king of Wakanda that information right up front, but that isn’t even the worst part.
The Captain pulls up to Wakanda driving a Nissan Infiniti. Now you see this and you think, “Ah, Nissan Infiniti, that’s a cute little bit of product placement.” But it keeps going downhill from there.
As Captain America gets ready to back it into this spot that reads, “RESERVED FOR AVENGERS ONLY” he turns to Black Widow in the passengers seat. “Alright, now you’re gonna see some parallel parking. How I wish you could make a living parallel parking. It’s all geometry, knowing all the angles, when to make that first turn and then when to swing it back in, that’s the key.”
As he says this, Tony Stark pulls up behind him, also in a Nissan Infiniti, and tries to park front-first.
If you thought the tension created in Captain America: Civil War over Stark’s parents being killed by Rogers’ best friend were high, wait ’til you see them argue over a parking space you could argue they both have a right to.
As the two superheroes bicker, they look over to see Vision and Drax, both in Nissan Infinitis, arguing over a fender bender. They look past them to see Doctor Strange and Scarlet Witch arguing over which of them has a nicer Nissan Infiniti. Then, in the most confounding of the conflicts, we see Spider-Man and Mantis argue over which one of them will be able to afford a Nissan Infiniti first, since Spider-Man is a teenager and Mantis is a bug-alien, new to Earth.
That’s right, movie fans: the Infinity War from the title is basically a bunch of Marvel heroes getting into various types of fights about their Nissan Infinitis.
After about an hour of this, Captain America and Tony Stark decide to shake hands and both give the spot up, opting to put their vehicles in a garage. “Sometimes being a hero means having to sacrifice, Cap.” But As T’Challa waves them into the nearest Wakandan parking garage, the movie reaches a whole new level of awful.
Both cars are sideswiped by a speeding, erratically driven Batmobile.
You read that right. The BATMOBILE hits the cars of both Captain America and Iron Man. Emerging from the Batmobile is a clearly inebriated Batman.
Superman also stumbles out of the vehicle, drunk as hell. “Sorry boys,” burps the Man of Steel. “Hey Bruce is rich, so just let him cut you a check. No need to get the cops or insurance companies involved.”
“I’m rich too!” says an indignant Tony Stark. “Money isn’t the point! You DC heroes are being criminally negligient by driving drunk. That’s something us Marvel heroes would never do.”
Before he can formulate a rebuttal, Superman holds up a finger as if to say, “Wait one moment,” and then pukes in a nearby trash can.
After about a half hour of Captain America trying to get a GEICO customer service rep on the phone to fill out a claim, Thanos walks up to everyone, scratching his head.
“Hey, while you guys were fighting I snapped and killed half of Earth,” says Thanos matter-of-factly. “Plus I don’t know if you noticed but I also killed many of the Avengers.”
Captain America rubs his chin, deep in thought. “That’s a really shitty thing to do,” he says, then hands Thanos his insurance card. “Hey, when the operator comes on, can you read my policy number to me? It’s too long for me to remember and I get nervous when I talk to telephone operators.”
Iron Man stands up, confused, “So wait, if you’re saying half of us are dead, who’s supposed to fight you in the next movie?”
Thanos shrugs. “I don’t know man. You’ll probably do some weird time travel thing to bring everyone back. This universe has no real stakes.”
Smash cut to black. The end.
What a waste of time and money. I can’t tell you strongly enough to not see this movie. If that description above wasn’t enough to dissuade you, consider this: the post-credit scene was just a five minute clip of Justice League with a caption that read, “Can you believe they came at us with this weak shit?”
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