Christmas Clocks and Droopy Trees

In the month of December I get a 10 second reminder of the holiday season at the top of every hour.

There’s a Christmas clock on our mantle that plays a different Christmas tune every hour. Before Christmas? It’s a sweet reminder of the holiday season. After Christmas?

Haunting. Absolutely haunting.

Hearing “Joy to the World” at 6:00 a.m. on January 3rd is like I entered into my own personal horror movie trailer. After that I’m expecting a psychotic doll or clown to pop out at me to complete the inevitable cycle.

After New Year’s, hearing the Christmas clock reminds me there’s little utility to this thing. Why is an hourly reminder of the fact that it’s Christmas needed? Who came up with this product? “Well, if there’s ever a time people need reminding of Christmas, it’s December. Our target audience? People who consume zero media other than clocks in their home.”

I love Christmas, including all the decorations and lights. It’s tough to let it go and take down the decorations, but you have to do it. “Here, remove this reminder of the next time you as an adult will get a present from anyone: 11 months from now.”

Nothing crystallizes this problem like having a real Christmas tree. At the beginning of December our tree looked great and smelled wonderful. Now? I’m almost rooting for a fire. Screw it, I’ve got a fire extinguisher and at least the needles won’t get everywhere.

The branches are drooping and snapping off. The needles are going everywhere. If this thing were in worse shape it would be heading to Planet Fitness for five days in January before giving up on its New Year’s resolutions. I can picture it now, struggling to get through 10 minutes on the elliptical on the easiest setting: “New year, new tree!”

The tree isn’t to blame here. I’m the neglectful owner. If I’m being honest, the watering’s have been much less frequent. I wouldn’t be shocked if someone walking by our window calls Tree Protective Services on me. “You’re going to jail, and we’re putting this tree in a good home. And by good home we mean a home with running water and access to cups. Or, you know…the side of the street.”

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