That Time My College Team’s Mascot Tried to Steal My Girl


You may remember the time I wroteabout the mouse I was afraid might try to steal my girl. Along those same lines comes today’s story.

To begin with: I’m a huge fan of the Virginia Tech Hokies. I got my degree there and went to as many football and basketball games as I could when I was there. This year, the ACC is holding its tournament in Brooklyn. I grabbed tickets for Tech’s second round game against Wake Forest tonight.

My girlfriend happens to work in Brooklyn. On Monday she tells me there’s a bus outside her office with all the ACC mascots promoting the tournament. She runs out to grab a picture.

She sees Virginia Tech’s mascot, the Hokie Bird. He’s the maroon and orange bird you see pictured above. In a show of solidarity, and being a converted Hokie fan she yells out, “GO HOKIES!”

How does he react? By waving excitedly? Maybe sticking up a claw in his best attempt at a “#1” sign?

Nope. He blows her a kiss.

There’s no need to escalate this into a flirtation. What’s next? What are you going to climb down off the bus, smile devilishly and say, “Hey. You look like a Hokie fan who could use a drink,” then take her out for drinks that turn into dinner?

Then what? Does she miss the game? Do I walk past a restaurant window, decked out in VT gear, only to see her laughing at one of your jokes about being a bird in college or something? While you’re wearing a sport coat over your mascot costume dressed like some cool guy out on a date? Then I interrupt, only for her to react flustered and say, “Mike…what are you doing here? Uh this is my friend, the the Hokie Bird…” And you try to play it off, saying, “What’s up chief?” but I dismiss you by saying, “Yeah, I know you are, get your coat sweetheart and let’s get out of here. Can’t believe we missed the damn game.”

Then what? After the Hokies win, do we go to the next game?  Are you going to look up into our section and somehow wink at her, even though that’s not a capability your costume allows?  And then what, will she blush as I look back and forth between you and her saying, “Wait, that costume can’t wink! What’s going on here?”

Then what? Does my girl dump me (“It’s not you. It’s the anthropomorphic bird I can’t deny a connection with”) and start dating one of the most prevalent symbols of my college years? Do I have to watch you perform in games in ways that seemed simply annoying before and now seem like they’re directly taunting me? Do my friends with limited knowledge of birds try to comfort me and tell me to forget the whole thing? (“Dude you know you’re better than that bird. At least you don’t have a corkscrew penis, which is a thing many birds have, I think. At least ducks do.”)

And THEN what? Do I run into you two downtown after I’ve seemingly moved on, but in actuality started dating another bird mascot? “This is Charlene. She’s the Seahawks mascot.” I’m not into her, it’s totally a revenge play. Then it gets awkward, because it turns out YOU dated Charlene, the Seahawks mascot? Then as we walk away, all four of us turn around and look back longingly, knowing we ended up with the wrong person/bird mascot?

Just food for thought. Anyway, I’m sure I’ll enjoy the game tonight. I’ll also be keeping an eye out for that womanizing, good for nothing Hokie Bird. Go Hokies.

One way to guarantee your significant O never leaves you for a big old bird: sign up for my email list. I’ll share tips on how you can avoid having that weird, unlikely thing from happening

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