What’s With the Lack of Variety in Politically Motivated Russian Murders?


Allegedly, Russian agents acting on Vladimir Putin often poison opponents of his using polonium. The most famous case was in 2004. My question: don’t they ever get sick of poisoning people? It’s gotta get old after awhile.

Wouldn’t he want to find a new way to do it? Just to shake things up a little? When the KGB pitches the poisoning to Putin, does he ever sigh and go, “I mean…I guess. Look, fellas. Come on. How about a little originality? How about a little variety? Let’s spice up this assassination! Can you at least wear fake moustaches while you do it?”

Eventually, maybe we’ll see a news story like: “A Russian official is dead today. He was eaten by a bear on a moutainside after being thrown out of a zeppelin, after being lit aflame, by Vladimir Putin. In a statement, Putin said he had nothing to do with the death even though there were many eyewitnesses who saw him do it.He added he was saddened by the ‘totally awesome’ way the guy perished.”

Another question: if they have poison control centers in Russia, they’ve got to have a picture of Putin on the wall somewhere, right? Or maybe they have a green cartoon Putin face on a sticker, like we used to have with Mr. Yuk in America.

Russian hospitals should set up a separate wing set up just for this. You check in at the ER: “Gun shot? Go to your right. Polonium exposure due to your political stance? Over here.” Then you step over and it’s just a trap door leading you to a flaming pit. Or into a waiting zeppelin, where Putin is smashing his fist in his palm and smiling menacingly.

As reprehensible as it all is, in a weird way you have to kind of respect them for it. It’s been done so many times, at this point we all know. And yet they still keep doing it. That’s a real commitment to a specific style of murder. “Sure, we could cut bait once it’s become obvious. But polonium was always there for us, so we’ll always stand by polonium.” Then Putin goes off to a hotel for a tryst with his mistress: a comically large bottle of polonium wearing a revealing negligee and high heels.

These days, loyalty like that is rare in politically motivated murders. Hell, it’s rare anywhere.


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