Here’s What’s Going to Happen at the Oscars

My predictions for this year’s Oscars:

  • Moonlight will win the Best Picture. The Academy will then take it back and give it to La La Land, reminding everyone All Pictures Matter.
  • This will be the year someone finally discovers the statuettes are all filled with milk chocolate.
  • Manchester by the Sea will NOT win Best Picture due to the entire Academy admitting they didn’t see it because they heard it was sad.
  • Arrival won’t win, but it will go down as the only best picture nominee about aliens whose language consists of queefing ink.
  • Hell or High Water will win the new category of “Best Picture with Multiple Characters Who Look Like They Say Dagnubbit.”
  • Another year without a Lifetime Achievement for the guy who played Willie on Alf.
  • Due to the proximity of his death to the event, Bill Paxton’s place in the “In Memoriam” montage will be a YouTube clip of him saying “Game over, man!” from Aliens.
  • Meryl Streep will win Best Actress when she stands up prior to the award being announced, staring down the other nominees in a display of alpha dominance.

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