Why Even Tell Me You’re Warming Up My Muffin?

muffin

I’ve said it many times in this blog before, but I write almost every day at the Starbucks down the street. Usually I get a bottle of water. Sometimes, when I’m feeling adventurous, I order a double chocolate chunk muffin.

Every time, the barista asks me if I want my muffin warmed up. Now I don’t have a problem with the barista doing this. That person’s doing his or her job. My problem though is with Starbucks muffin-warming option in general.

How about just warm it up without telling me?

That way you fool me into thinking it’s fresh. I assure you on this one, ignorance is bliss. Needing to warm it up makes me think it’s not fresh. You may as well say, “Hey, want me to warm up this week old muffin? We got it out of the trash like Costanza, but it wasn’t touching anything else so it should be good!” Then she breathes on it and rubs it on her shirt like an apple before offering it to me.

Also, and there’s no way around this: asking, “Would you like your muffin warmed up?” sounds vaguely sexual. It just does. You can’t answer that straight away. “It depends on what the euphemism means. Can I check Urban Dictionary first? I want to know what I’m signing up for. Before I agree or disagree, my safeword is ‘frappucino.'”

Or what if someone jumps the gun and assumes it sexual even though it isn’t? You have to admit, it’s not THAT big a leap. You could see this happening:

“Would you like your muffin warmed up?”

“Well well well…it’s a bit early for lovemaking, but what the hell? I’m feeling saucy today. Let’s see how hot we can get this muffin baby!”

“Um okay sir, the microwave is old so probably not very warm. Also can you please put your pants back on.”

All I’m saying is that to avoid unfortunate sexual miscommunications between baristas and customers, Starbucks oughta think twice about their muffin-heating protocols. You could save countless amounts in avoided lawsuits.

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