Valentine’s Day is today and if you haven’t made plans yet, you may be in trouble. No worries though, I’ve got you covered. Here are some good last minute ideas you can feel free to steal:
* A comedy open mic: After watching countless socially maladjusted 25 year olds with neck beards mumble their way through half-baked premises, you and your honey will feel much better and secure about whatever career choice you’ve made.
* Bowling: Not many realize this, but on Valentine’s Day only bowling alleys allow you to run into other people’s lanes uninvited to throw multiple balls down the lane at once. Don’t do any research on this, just go do it.
* Shark Tank Marathon: Nothing says “I love you” quite like sitting on your lazy ass on the couch, stuffing your face with snacks while saying, “Oh that’ll never work” while Mark Cuban shits on someone who toiled tirelessly to build something they believed in.
* Feed some pigeons: Sounds pedestrian, but few realize pigeons are a natural aphrodisiac.
* Go trip some guys and be a dick in general to everyone: This one applies to Duke forward Grayson Allen only.
* Get naked and check your spam folders together: Tenderly hold hands with your partner as you get frustrated Gmail sent a great job offer in December directly to the trash.
* Go see Fifty Shades Darker: Go see the erotic thriller everyone’s calling either “Eyes Wide Shut for stupid people” or “Porn for those offended by unsimulated sex.”
* Go to a youth league basketball game and start blocking shots til removed by security: You won’t get to do this very long – you’ll get three blocks in, max – but man oh man, what a ride before you get caught!
* Ruminate on how weird it is that so many ads for Valentine’s Day show Baby Cupid’s ass: Seriously, how weird is that? Who came up with it? Who thought, “You know who should control who we love? A naked baby archer who’s ass we can see.” Weird stuff, man.