John Wick: Chapter 2 is the Worst Movie of 2017

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I loved the first John Wick. It was a simple yet well done action movie that was a ton of fun.

I’m sorry to say John Wick: Chapter 2 does not live up to the original.

The movie begins with Keanu Reeves as John Wick. As you remember from the first film, the inciting incident is when a gang of thugs kill his beloved puppy. Wick then goes on to take revenge by killing everyone even tangentially responsible.

You’d think they’d abandon the whole puppy angle in this film, and they kind of do. But the film opens with Wick at Petsmart. The first hour is literally just Keanu Reeves trying to pick out a pet. He looks at kittens, mice, gerbils, iguanas…they even have a lion at this Petsmart, which I’m pretty sure isn’t true anywhere.

They show Petsmart employees helping him make a decision. One asks, “How about a puppy?” and Wick shakes his head and says, “Nah, we did that in the first movie.”

Mercifully, Wick walks out of the Petsmart later with a ferret, a turtle, and a hawk. (I can’t decide!” he exclaims before purchasing all three) As soon as he hits the parking lot, a huge gang of assassins descend on him and execute his turtle. “Shelley!” cries Wick, which is weird because in the first movie he was pretty stoic. In this one Wick spends 25 minutes rolling around on the ground, crying. It’s kind of funny for the first five minutes, but after that it just gets weird. He starts yelling, “GOD THIS IS SO SAD! I’D RATHER HAVE THIS TURTLE BACK THEN MY DEAD WIFE FROM JOHN WICK I!” After he stops crying he walks around the parking lot asking people for a tissue.

Once he gets a tissue he looks right at the camera (jarring fourth wall break) and says, “Time for Johnny Boy to get revenge on those turtle killers!” Only he gets distracted when his pet hawk swoops in trying to eat his pet ferret. So he spends the rest of the movie just shooing away his own pet hawk and holding a scared ferret under his arm. Out of options, he sticks it in his pants and says, “Fuck this, I’ve gotta go kill those turtle guys! Hawky, chill out!” and waddles to his car, ferret still in pants.

The movie then cuts to black with a title card that reads, “Wick would go on to kill all the assassins, avenging Shelley. However, he tragically ended up perishing as a result of a hawk attack, defending his pet ferret. The ferret (also named John Wick) swore vengeance on the hawk, and will return in John Wick: Chapter 3: Ferret vs. Hawk Chapter 1.”

As much as I’m looking forward to that movie, this one definitely disappointed.

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