A Dog’s Greatest Burden


…has to be owning everything they pee on.

That’s how dogs mark their territory, right? So in their head, they think they own whatever they pee on.

My question for dogs: how much property do you really need to be happy?

I’ve seen dogs who pee on like 3 or 4 things. Do you really need that extra fire hydrant? Do you need another tree? You’ve already got the house in your owner’s backyard and most likely some sort of big ass pillow in the living room….what do you need all this other stuff for? You dealing with some kind of dog mid-life crisis? I can see it now: a dog trying to send messages to its human, trying to get him to take him to the Porsche dealership.

(An aside: how great would it be to see a dog negotiate with a car salesman? “Look, all this back and forth is a moot point…I already took a leak on it. So any money I give you is me being generous, since legally speaking I do own that Lamborghini. Me pissing on stuff as a transfer of ownership is going to hold up in a court of dog law.”)

Also: Why would you pee on something you own? That’s killing the property value. One day you’ll have a dog real estate agent showing it off and he’ll need to cover for all the pee stains. “This tree here is a little bit of a fixer upper. The last owner spilled a lot of uh…lemon lime Gatorade?”

Dogs could stand to be less greedy, is all I’m saying. Leave some fire hydrants for the rest of us.


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