You know how when you’re paying for something and the cashier might ask you if you want to donate a dollar to a charity? I was in front of a guy recently who got asked that very question and he had the best response I’d ever heard.
The guy is with his son and unbeknownst to me was about to set a Hall of Fame-level parenting example for his kid on how not to act in public. This is at the concession stand at the movies. He gets up to the cashier and orders a million different items. Popcorn, soda, hot pretzel, filet mignon, the works. Despite the fact that he was the one who ordered said million things, he’s getting antsy with how long it’s taking.
As the cashier rings everything up, she asks, “Would you like to donate a dollar to (whatever their name was) children’s charity?”
In this situation, most people either say yes, or politely say, “No, thank you.” Maybe even a curt, “No.” Any of those responses are acceptable. Well forget about both of those, because this guy revolutionized the “responding to a request for a donation” game forever.
With a lot of anger in his voice, he looked her square in the eye and said, “I ain’t donatin’ nothin’ to nobody!”
You hear that everyone? This guy isn’t saying no to one cashier’s simple request. He’s condemning the entire concept of charity. He must go crazy at Christmas. I wonder how many Salvation Army bell ringers he’s assaulted out of sheer frustration? “Enough with da bell! I already told da lady at da movies, no donatin’ to nobody!”
Would love to see him walk past a food drive. “Are you kiddin’ me? My canned goods are MINE! You ain’t getting your no good, dirty paws on my creamed corn and French cut green beans! You can pry my non-perishables from my cold, dead hands!”
Or maybe he goes to Goodwill and throws all his old clothes in a garbage can fire. “If I can’t have these tattered corduroy pants, NO ONE can!”
The only way his response makes sense is if he’d given to a children’s hospital before and they blew all his money. Like he wrote them a blank check and they wasted every penny of it on extravagant costs not associated with medicine at all. He goes down to see the poor kids at St. Jude’s and they’re all popping champagne bottles, riding jetskis around the pool they also bought using his money. There’s a DJ yelling into a microphone, “Shout out to Dale, the poor asshole who financed this whole thing. My name is DJ Not A Doctor, and here’s a little something from Pitbull.”
Actually if you just read what he said, without the menacing tone in his voice, it’s almost like he was letting her down gently. “Well no, but it’s not because of your specific cause. I ain’t donatin’ nothin’ to nobody. It’s not your charity, it’s me.”
My main takeaway from this? Now I (or you reading at home, who I’m sure never donates to any of these causes either if you’re being honest) doesn’t have to feel guilty about not giving. Yeah, the end result is the same, but “no thank you” is way less confrontational than “I ain’t donatin’ nuttin’ to nobody!” One is a polite rejection. The other is damn near a declaration of war. “I ain’t donatin’ nothin’ to nobody!” is one small step away from “Hold my coat, I’m going to fight this cashier. Not only am I not giving money, I’m going to clean out the register and take all the previous donations as well as their profits.”
So there you go. You don’t have to feel bad about not giving to charity anymore. At least you didn’t challenge anybody to a fight.