It’s the day after Super Bowl Sunday. You climb out of bed at 8:41 tired and with a cotton mouth. There are beer bottles and Chinese food containers everywhere. It’s official: you’re hungover. You’re in no absolutely no condition to work. But you can’t call in, because that’s what everyone’s expecting. So how do you manage? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. Follow these can’t-miss pieces of advice and not only will no one notice your hungover, you’ll probably get promoted:
* Build a scarecrow version of yourself and sleep under your desk. The only bad part about this is that if it works, no one will notice you’re gone and you’ll realize how meaningless your job and existence really are. Also there’s a small chance it may backfire when the scarecrow actually does a better job than you and gets hired at double your salary.
* You can’t afford to look sluggish, so enlist the help of thousands of acrobatic Indians to help you execute a full length Bollywood dance number in the office parking lot.
* You probably have a headache, so drink plenty of water all day. When everyone asks you why you’re going to the bathroom so much, give them a stern lecture about prostate health. If you are a woman just tell them you’re on your period. I don’t really know much about how periods work so you might be able to skate on that one.
* Open up a bunch of charts and graphs on your computer so that every time someone walks buy, you look really busy. When they ask you what it is, smirk condescendingly and say, “Data analytics. You wouldn’t understand.” Then close the door in the person’s face like Kay at the end of Godfather.
* You probably look like a dog’s breakfast, so sunglasses might be a good idea. When everyone asks why you’re wearing sunglasses, tell them you’re honoring Huey Lewis, “May he rest in peace.” When they flock to their computers to check the veracity of this statement knowing full well Lewis is still alive, run away and hope you just never run into them again.
* Bargain with yourself to never show up to work hungover again. Until next weekend, at least. OK, maybe Wednesday. No earlier than Tuesday, for sure. Happy Hour on a Monday night? You know what, let’s do this, the scarecrow’s got my work covered. You good, Desk Scarecrow? I’ll bring you back some wings.
* Question everyone else. “Hey man, you ok?” “Wow, you look REALLY tired.” “Whoa – looks like someone partied a little too hard last night.” Keep escalating this until finally you’re telling your boss, “You are a drunken maniac who needs to get his life together or this office will implode.”
* To cancel out the garbage you ate yesterday, eat healthier today. Hit the grocery store salad bar and try to ignore the fact that literally everyone can and has breathed on everything in it. Even bums. Seriously, bums breath on that stuff. They might as well offer it as a dressing – Caesar, Italian, Russian, and Bum’s Breath.
* If all else fails, tell them you’re distraught fan who can’t believe his/her team lost. You can’t deal with the thought of your team not winning, so you have to take the rest of the day off to get a proper grip on your emotions. If anyone actually buys this, congratulations, you work with idiots and you’ll probably be running the place within a year.