The Super Bowl is one of the biggest gambling nights of the year, but the result of the game is just the beginning of what everyone will be betting on. Here are some of tonight’s wackiest prop bets:
* Will one of the teams figure out a way to score one single point? It’s never been done in history, and by the current rules is impossible…which means that you’ll get greats betting on it to happen.
* Over/under on number of times the announcers will mention former President Rutherford B. Hayes. Seems like a big year to mention presidents who lost the popular vote.
* Your mom will call at some point and tell you you’re wasting your life watching football. She’s right. You need to quit obsessing over other grown men playing a children’s game and get your Master’s already.
* Will Lady Gaga give birth during the halftime show? She’s not pregnant, but with this unpredictable entertainer taking the stage, anything can happen.
* Over/under on number of times Troy Aikman will say, “You’re right Joe,” then restate a slightly reworded version of Joe Buck’s opinion. I’d go with the over.
* How many times will the Phil Simms mention Cam Newton? The game’s on Fox so Simms won’t be calling game and Newton won’t be playing in it, so I’d go with the under on this one.
* How many Atlanta Falcons players with nicknames based on shitty beers will contribute? Sure, we can all expect Matt Ryan (aka “Matty Ice”) to figure into the game, but what about fullback Pat “Blue Ribbon” DiMarco or running back Devonta “Keystone Light” Freeman?
* Between the Patriots and Falcons, who will score the first touchdown next season? It won’t pay off until next September, but if you can predict this one you’ll be the toast of next year’s Super Bowl party.
* Over/under on number of times Roger Goodell and Bob Kraft hit each other on the winner’s podium before pausing, looking deep into each other’s eyes, and soulfully kissing while Billy Ocean’s Suddenly plays in the background. “Screw you for suspending Brady!” “Screw you for cheating all the time?” “Screw you…oh….are you as turned on as I am right now?” “Even more!” “SUUUUUDEEEEENLEEEEEEE….LIFE HAS NEW MEANING….TO MEEEEEEE….”
* How many times will Erin Andrews mention chief White House strategist Steve Bannon? “Coach, what is the key to winning this game? Also what do you think of Steve Bannon being appointed to the National Security Council?”
* How many times will Gisele Bundchen’s weird uncle be shown on TV? Sure, we can all expect numerous shots of the glamorous Brazilian supermodel. But what about shots of her lecherous, parasitic uncle, Larry Bundchen?