Why is it That Snitches Get “Stitches?”

You know how when a criminal threatens a snitch, they say, “Snitches get stitches?” The idea being that if you snitch on someone, the person who committed the crime is going to mess you up.

My counter to that: are stitches. really that bad? Basically you’re saying that snitches will get a somewhat deep cut that will ultimately heal with time. “Snitches get stitches…or you know, neosporin, Band-Aids, and antibiotics to take until the wound closes to ward off infection.”

I mean I got bit by a guinea pig one time and I needed stitches for that. Sorry, Guy Who’s Been Ratted On, but stitches aren’t a huge medical procedure. You won’t get any satisfaction walking past the dude’s house saying, “That’ll teach you! I just INCONVENIENCED the HELL outta you! You’ll have to monitor that cut for hours, possibly days!”

Criminals should work on that. I could see a bunch of henchmen in a criminal’s lair somewhere, brainstorming on new versions of this. “Hey, anybody know something that rhymes with ‘radical reconstructive surgery?”

The most effective one would be, of course, snitches get bullets. But that doesn’t rhyme, so it does lose some of the effect. What they really need to do is come up with a synonym for snitches that rhymes with bullets. Acclimating snitches to the new nomenclature would be a tough process, but ultimately worth it in the end. Consider this scenario:

“I tried to tell you, Mark: hullets get bullets!”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so….wait, what’s a hullet?”

“A snitch ass bitch like yourself.” (pistol whips him)

“I’ve never heard of that.”

“Yes. It’s a new term I’ve come up with. The alternative is snitches get stitches. I get that it’s more familiar, but it loses some of the urgency, you know? Bullets are a much bigger deterrent to snitching than stitches would be.”

“Agreed. I know that once you shoot my no good, rat fink, snitching ass self I’ll surely never snitch again.”

“Well that’s the goal. We’re just trying to create a better process for snitches and criminals alike, and this improved messaging will hopefully help with that.”

So today’s lesson: don’t snitch on anyone, you damn hullet.


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