Cops on Horseback: Still the Silliest Type of Cop

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Why are there still cops on horseback? I saw one walk past my apartment the other day. Whenever I see them I assume for a split second I’ve traveled back to the 1700’s. Shouldn’t they have fazed them out sometime around the invention of the car? Who thought, “We have this machine we can 100% control, but what do you say we keep wheeling out these unpredictable wild animals?”

I just assume any cop on a horse crashed a cop car. “We’ll give you this until you can prove you’re worthy of a car. No mistakes with this and we’ll bump you up to skateboard but one step at a time.”

Seriously, you’re only a small step ahead of rollerblade cops.

As useless as they seem to be, from the animal’s perspective it’s one of the more useful of the horse jobs. Their only competition are handsome cabs. At least they’re carrying cops and not tourists. You never see a handsome cab driver say, “Oh shit, is that a getaway car? Screw these people from Arkansas, we gotta get those scumbags. Make the jump to hyperspeed, Sweet Potato!” Then he puts one of those portable sirens on the horse’s head and somehow gets it up to 60 mph.

But how do we even know horses are even really down to protect us? That’s the number one job of the police, and you can’t be sure the horses are in it for the right reasons. For all we know the only reason they’re cops are for the carrots. Horses would pretty much do anything for a carrot.

“Hey we need someone to go into that volcano. Oh also the volcano has many carrots in it.”

“Yeah? Well then sign my horse ass up!”

I’m just saying you never know if you can trust horses. Look at the Planet of the Apes movies. The apes ride horses in them. I thought horses were our transport animals? I’d like to see the Planet of the Ape horses explain themselves. “Sorry guys, the monkeys had apples too.”

Whatever you think of horse cops, we can all agree they’re the least scary form of cop. If your car can’t outrun a horse, you’re not making it into a Fast and the Furious movie. The cop might even feel bad for you. “Dude you couldn’t even get away from me? How much horsepower does your car have? Less than one, apparently!” Then he writes the ticket, crumples it up, and bounces it off your face.


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