Analyzing Hallmark Channel Movies Protagonists

very-merry-mixup

For the We Just Saw A Movie podcast we watched a ton of Christmas movies produced by the Hallmark Channel this past December. One thing I’ve noticed about these movies: the protagonists are all exactly the same. This probably extends to other Hallmark Movie Channel movies, but I haven’t seen those so I’m only assuming.

Their characteristics:

* They need a husband by Christmas.

* They loved Christmas as a kid. They did a lot of Christmas shit with their parents, or more likely, their Dad.

* She’s emotionally stunted, still obsessed with Christmas as an adult. This manifests itself as her talking about Christmas or spending an inordinate amount of time focusing on finding a mate by Christmas, as if she’ll shrivel up and die if she doesn’t.

* If she isn’t single, she has a boyfriend who either hates Christmas or is obsessed with his job. It doesn’t matter what else he does, he is evil for hating Christmas. “I know you work at a soup kitchen Ray, but you hate wreaths. We’re done.” Alternately, she meets a man who may be poor, but has an unhealthy obsession with Christmas for a grown man. Good luck finding happiness with a 36 year old dude who still enjoys watching the Jim Carrey Grinch.

* She has a rival, most likely a woman, who also hates Christmas. Seriously, anyone in these movies who hates Christmas is automatically evil. You could be a Nazi, and if you like Christmas the Hallmark Movie protagonist loves you. I could see one of them saying it right now: “That dude goosestepping is wearing a really festive red and green sweater, he must be okay! He told me the Jews are evil, which I agree with – mainly because they don’t put up beautiful Christmas trees. Forget them, they control the media AND refuse to go caroling!”

Watch a Hallmark movie sometime and tell me I’m wrong. I think I nailed it. Actually I hear that if you’re a woman who watches all the Hallmark movies, you unlock a free set of eggs.

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