My Exclusive Interview With White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer

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This is a rarity, but I was able to score an interview with the current White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer! Please enjoy the transcript below:

ME: Mr. Press Secretary..is that how I should refer to you?

SPICER: Sure. That, or Spice Rack, which was my nickname in college.

ME: Yeah I’ll stick with Mr. Press Secretary, but this weekend there was a lot of controversy surrounding you challenging members of the media on the attendance totals at President Trump’s inauguration.

SPICER: Well Mike, I don’t want to relitigate that, so to speak. I’ll let my comments at the press briefing speak for themselves. But I do want to announce a new initiative I’ve set up that I think will help cut down on the media’s dishonesty.

ME: Oh?

SPICER: Yes. I’ve set up a channel on my Periscope feed so I can communicate with the public directly without all those pesky journalists getting in the way. I can field questions from the people directly, answer them, or pass them back to President Trump.

ME: Well, even though I think bypassing the media completely is dangerous, I applaud you for being open and wanting to go directly to the people.

SPICER: Yes, the Spice Channel is going to revolutionize how the White House communicates with the American people.

ME: Wait what did you say?

SPICER: It’s going to revolutionize how the White House communicates…

ME: No no, the name of your Periscope feed. What are you going to call it?

SPICER: The Spice Channel. You know, because my name is “Spicer.” Plus as I mentioned earlier, my nickname back in the day was Spice Rack. Spice Channel seemed apropos.

*prolonged silence as I shuffle my notes uncomfortably*

SPICER: Is that it? No more questions?

ME: No uh….Mr. Spice…I mean Mr. Press Secretary…the Spice Channel was a porn channel back in the 90’s.

SPICER: What?

ME: Yeah, back before Internet porn was a thing, the Spice Channel was a pay-per-view porn channel. It might still exist in some format or another.

SPICER: You’re joking.

ME: I’m quite certain.

SPICER: Wait, how do you know about this?

ME: Uh, someone….somebody told me about it existing.

SPICER: ……

ME: Mr. Press Secretary?

SPICER: GOD DAMN IT! I asked everyone at the office if they’d ever heard of Spice Channel before, and they all said no! That explains all the snickering!

ME: That’ll do it.

SPICER: Are you sure it’s still a thing?

ME: I’d Google it. Probably not on your work computer.

The Press Secretary then walked away, seeming pretty angry. No word on whether or not Spice Rack has relaunched his Periscope under a different name. 

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