This is a rarity, but I was able to score an interview with the current White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer! Please enjoy the transcript below:
ME: Mr. Press Secretary..is that how I should refer to you?
SPICER: Sure. That, or Spice Rack, which was my nickname in college.
ME: Yeah I’ll stick with Mr. Press Secretary, but this weekend there was a lot of controversy surrounding you challenging members of the media on the attendance totals at President Trump’s inauguration.
SPICER: Well Mike, I don’t want to relitigate that, so to speak. I’ll let my comments at the press briefing speak for themselves. But I do want to announce a new initiative I’ve set up that I think will help cut down on the media’s dishonesty.
SPICER: Yes. I’ve set up a channel on my Periscope feed so I can communicate with the public directly without all those pesky journalists getting in the way. I can field questions from the people directly, answer them, or pass them back to President Trump.
ME: Well, even though I think bypassing the media completely is dangerous, I applaud you for being open and wanting to go directly to the people.
SPICER: Yes, the Spice Channel is going to revolutionize how the White House communicates with the American people.
ME: Wait what did you say?
SPICER: It’s going to revolutionize how the White House communicates…
ME: No no, the name of your Periscope feed. What are you going to call it?
SPICER: The Spice Channel. You know, because my name is “Spicer.” Plus as I mentioned earlier, my nickname back in the day was Spice Rack. Spice Channel seemed apropos.
*prolonged silence as I shuffle my notes uncomfortably*
SPICER: Is that it? No more questions?
ME: No uh….Mr. Spice…I mean Mr. Press Secretary…the Spice Channel was a porn channel back in the 90’s.
ME: Yeah, back before Internet porn was a thing, the Spice Channel was a pay-per-view porn channel. It might still exist in some format or another.
SPICER: You’re joking.
ME: I’m quite certain.
SPICER: Wait, how do you know about this?
ME: Uh, someone….somebody told me about it existing.
ME: Mr. Press Secretary?
SPICER: GOD DAMN IT! I asked everyone at the office if they’d ever heard of Spice Channel before, and they all said no! That explains all the snickering!
ME: That’ll do it.
SPICER: Are you sure it’s still a thing?
ME: I’d Google it. Probably not on your work computer.
The Press Secretary then walked away, seeming pretty angry. No word on whether or not Spice Rack has relaunched his Periscope under a different name.