Stop Trying to Impress Babies

You’ve seen it before. You’re out somewhere and you see a baby, slung over his/her parent’s shoulder. Then you see an adult, behind and out of the sight of the parent, mugging for the baby in a lame attempt to make it laugh.

What are you doing?

They try to put on this elaborate show, as if they’re indebted to this worthless creature who has yet to contribute to society. Seriously, why has a baby earned free entertainment? You want to see a show? Find a chill friend to steal Netflix from or plunk down two month’s rent to see Hamilton like the rest of us do.

Let’s say you’re one of these people who feels the need to dance around for a baby with your hilarious “stick your tongue out while your eyes bulge” bit (genius, by the way. You steal that from Carlin?) And let’s say it works. The baby is laughing at you. To that baby, you’re Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, and Bill Burr rolled into one. You’re killing it. Okay…then what? Making a baby laugh isn’t going to get you anywhere. I guarantee you no one’s ever made a baby laugh only to have the baby turn to them afterward and said, “Vic Raybould, I’m with Comedy Central. I just love what you’re doing and I’d like to offer you a development deal. Do you have any pilots you’d like to pitch?” Then next thing you know you end up with a show after Broad City called Fart Noises, where it’s just you, for 22 minutes, making fart noises.

I just don’t get why a baby is the one to impress. After countless opportunities to impress other adults who could actually help them or impact them in a meaningful way, you passed. With so many people hating their lives, why not perform for someone who actually knows what the hell you’re doing for them?

Why not mug for someone in line at Starbucks? Do a stupid ass dance before they can wonder if they should alert the barista to your presence. I know if I was at the DMV and someone started sticking their tongue out at me while playing Peek-a-Boo, I’d laugh my ass off. I’d have no idea why the hell they were doing it, but I’d have a great story.

I’m putting this out there now: anyone who makes a fart noise to make me laugh in a public space is getting a tip. $5 at least. Maybe more, depending on how loud the fake fart is.

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