Are Umbrellas Really the Apex of Anti-Rain Technology?

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I’m not sure when the umbrella was invented. I’m going to guess 1837. Hold on, let me Google it. (Okay, it was over 4,000 years ago. I’m leaving this in because I refuse to sugar coat my own ignorance on this one. Take the rest of all my blogs with a grain of salt, baby.)

So the umbrella has been around for a long time. How have we not come up with anything better, technologically, to keep us dry with less effort?

Don’t talk to me about rain coats and boots. They’re still clothes. I’m talking about a device, or an apparatus, that keeps us dry. This is kind of a credit to the umbrella, but I don’t think we’re beating it. The biggest technological advancement in this field has been the umbrella hat, which is a great accessory to wear if you want to A) stay dry and B) have Pee Wee Herman tell you, “Dude, maybe it’s time to grow up.” An umbrella hat tells society you value your dryness over ever being laid again. Not a good look.

Robot technology is always improving, of course, but even if they come up with some sort of anti-water robot, I bet the best they’ll do is just a robot who walks around with you, holding your umbrella for you. My suggestion: somebody should design a robot bird that flies around over top of you during a rainstorm. When you’re on the subway or walking under a bridge, it can just perch on your shoulder. Not only will it keep you dry, it won’t look as ridiculous as the umbrella hat, and you can use it to freak out people on the subway you don’t like. “Excuse me, guy manspreading or lady with her bag on the seat? Have you met my iHawk? He’d like to have a word with you.”

Somebody get to work on that.

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