“You Know What I Eat Instead of Popcorn? Something Nothing Like Popcorn!”

I love popcorn. It is without a doubt my #1 snack food. If I was ever forced to eat one thing for the rest of my life (presumably by a weird tyrant who’s obsessed with his subjects eating one thing, but not so tyrannical he doesn’t let them choose) I’d choose popcorn. Every time I go see a movie, we get a large tub of popcorn and usually refill it at least once. I was telling a friend of mine this once, and he made a face. “I don’t eat popcorn, it’s too unhealthy,” he said, asserting his better-than-me-ness. “I eat something that tastes exactly like it, but much better.” Oh, I asked, curious. What do you eat?

“Well, I warm kale on the stove,” he said, already losing me. “Then I season it with truffle oil. It’s just as good as popcorn, if not better.”

That doesn’t sound better than popcorn. That sounds like what my parents would make me eat if I was being punished with no popcorn.

Also it sounds like the snack you tell people you eat to make yourself sound better than them and rich. “Oh, potato chips? Pssh. Please. I only eat rutabega slices tenderly heated over a volcano. The volcano really adds that lava flavor you want in a snack.”

“Cheesecake? What do I look like, a peasant? No, I only eat tiramisu topped with gorgonzola. It’s gross, but tiramisu and gorgonzola is expensive, making it therefore better than eating cheesecake.”

As much as I agreed with Michelle Obama’s initiatives to help kids eat better, one area I’m glad she stayed away from was the movie theater. Could you imagine if she got wind of this, replacing the staple of cinema concession stands with rabbit food glazed with rich guy sauce? There’d be a nationwide revolt. Protestors would stand outside with signs. “First they came for my popcorn, and I said nothing. Then they came for my nachos, and I said nothing. Then they came for my pretzel bites.”

I can tell you this: I would have been the first in line, picketing for this ultimately meaningless cause.

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