Charmin has a sub-brand of their toilet paper called Charmin Suave. Which is impossible, because “suave” is not a quality rolls of toilet paper can have. They can be soft. They can be sturdy. They can be sumptuous. They cannot be suave.
Pictured above is a roll of toilet paper wearing a scarf, which is what I imagine a suave roll of toilet paper would do. Even with the cool guy scarf, it still doesn’t seem suave, right?
After I’m done using it is it going to take me out for martinis? I just need you to clean my butt, not sweep me off my feet, 007.
The dictionary definition of suave is “(especially of a man) charming, confident and elegant.” I’ve never wiped my ass and thought, “Man..now THAT is how a paper product charms me. By doing a good job wiping my ass. Not to mention the confidence with which it did it. At no time in the ass wiping was I concerned the toilet paper wasn’t fully in control. And the elegance…the way it offered me a light for my cigarette afterwards? All I have to say is that Brawny would never do such a thing.”
Even if it could be suave I’m not so sure I’d want that. What if I get home and I have to use the bathroom in an emergency situation. I’m rushing to unlock the door, put all my stuff down, and get to the bathroom…only to find my toilet paper is dressed in a tux. “My apologies,” it says, lazily tilting a snifter of whiskey to its lips. “Could you hurry up though? I’m taking the roll of paper towels to a romantic candlelit dinner later.”
Confused, I ask, “Wait..are the paper towels a girl?”
The suave toilet paper roll chuckles gently to himself. “You tell me, partner,” he says, undoing his miniature cummerbund. “You’re the one who writes this shit.”