I’m Not Brave Enough to be a First Responder, But I Bet I Could Be a Second Responder

First responders are police officers, EMTs, and firefighters. People who show up immediately after something has gone wrong in an attempt to help. Heroes for sure. Those are all jobs I could never do.

But SECOND responder? That I could handle, I think.

Let’s say there’s a car accident. The EMTs show up to transport the victims. Maybe the firefighters show up with the jaws of life to free someone who’s trapped. Then I roll up as your second responder to, you know…see if anybody needs anything.

“Hey, while you’re trapped in your Camaro, you need any gum or soda? There’s a Rite Aid across the street, I could be back in five minutes. I’ll send you the bill afterwards, so you don’t have to sweat it today. What about you, firefighters? You guys need or want anything? Snacks? I tell you what, I’ll get some marshmallows and graham crackers and we’ll make some S’Mores using this engine fire. Be right back.”

That could lead to a whole cottage industry. “Eltringham Second Response: When Your Heroes Need A Diet Dr. Pib While They Help A Guy Who’s Probably Going to Die.” If the business gets big enough, maybe I can even hire a third responder: someone who asks me if I need anything. Applicants should be able to show up to accidents no later than five minutes after me and should also know all my snack and drink preferences (popcorn and Cherry Coke. If you show up with a Pepsi one time your ass is gone. We’ve got a good benefits package and flexible PTO policies, but this company has a zero tolerance policy when it comes to purchases of any and all non-Coca Cola products.)

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