No One’s Life Has Improved Because of an Automatic Flushing Toilet

Automatic flushing toilets are weird, aren’t they? I’m not sure who invented them, but I feel like there are many more problems with public restrooms you could have addressed first.

“Okay everyone, we need to develop a technology that makes using the bathroom easier. What do we want to deal with first? Hygienic concerns? Litter disposal?”

“How about the minimal effort it takes to pull the handle that flushes?”

“Somebody get payroll on the phone and get that man a bonus!”

I don’t even know who they’re for. I had an RA my freshman year of college – really weird dude – who refused to ever touch the handles on the urinals in the bathroom. He said it was a health issue. Every time he was done taking a leak, he’d zip up, take a step back from the urinal, and deliver a savate kick to the handle to flush it. Best I can tell, that’s the only guy on Planet Earth who benefits from this no hands flush technology. Everybody else is cool with manual.

As unnecessary as automatic flushing toilets are, what’s even more frustrating is when they don’t work. You put all this time and effort into this needless device…then I stand up and there’s nothing? Whenever it happens I feel disrespected. Almost like I’m being challenged. It’s like the toilet’s saying, “Really? Is that all you got? I mean that’s fine I guess, the last guy in here had a lot more but if that’s the amount of duke you think a real man should produce, that’s fine.”

Anyway, if you ever see me in a public restroom kicking a toilet, it’s either because I’m pissed off it doesn’t think I’m good enough or I’m finally taking my RA’s advice on public restroom-based jujitsu.


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