Here’s What Would Happen if Mike Pence Went to the Movies

Vice President-elect Mike Pence settles into his seat for a 1:45 showing of Doctor Strange.

“Finally! A bit of escape from all my critics,” he whispers to himself, sipping his large cherry coke and eating some of his large popcorn and Raisinets.

The opening credits roll. Pence is transformed until about 10 minutes in. That’s when Benedict Cumberbatch turns to address the camera.

“Mr. Vice President?” he says. “I may not be American, but I want a president who represents all Americans. Please do that.”

Pence’s eyes go wide and he sprints out of the theater, spilling his comically large soda directly into a theater usher’s face as he does.

“Okay, that was weird,” he thinks. “Better sneak into another movie.”

He dips into a 1:30 Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them. Settling in, he begins to relax. “Okay…this movie looks pretty cool. And I’ve still got a few Raisinets left.”

Pence enjoys himself watching Eddie Redmayne chase one of those fantastic beasts. That is, until the beast looks directly into the camera. “Mr. Pence?” says the half-snake, half-bird in perfect English, “May I have a word?”

“AH!” yells Pence, jumping out of his chair and sending his remaining Raisinets into the beehive haircut of a grandma in front of him. After a lame attempt to pick a few out and salvage his treat, he softly says, “Ah, fuck it!” then bolts out of the theater. Redmayne turns to the dejected beast and says, “Oh well. You tried, old boy. On with the movie.”

Frantically running around the theater, Pence maniacally grabs a theater employee. His tie is undone, his shirt rumpled at this point. “What’s going on? Why are the characters talking to me?”

The employee shrugs. “You know you can’t sneak into movies you didn’t buy a ticket for, right?”

Pence socks him in the gut and runs off. “Fuck you. I’m the Veep!” As he passes a small child, he steals the boy’s box of Nestle Buncha Crunch, mumbling something about a national emergency.

Pence tears into another movie, the ensemble comedy Almost Christmas. As he does, the predominantly African American audience and predominantly African American cast on screen all grow quiet and turn to look at him. Pence straightens his tie and nods. “Right. I’ll uh…I’ll see myself out.”

He decides he’s good for one last film. Pence hops into Arrival, the alien drama starring Amy Adams. Only problem? This time, the characters are already in the middle of their Pence speech. Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner’s points are all drawn on a white board, as one of the aliens takes his turn. “….I mean the guy tweets insults to people at 3am. Do we want the leader of the free world distracted by a feud with Rosie O’Donnell? Renner, back me up on this.”

This sends Pencey over the edge, running out of the theater, down the street, screaming at the top of his lungs: “THANKS ASSHOLES, GUESS I’M WATCHING NETFLIX FROM NOW ON.”


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