Today the country will elect either Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton, the two most unpopular candidates in modern U.S. presidential election history. I’d bet this election will feature the highest amount of write-in candidates than ever.
If you find yourself unable to vote for the racist, xenophobic, uninformed real estate swindler or the corrupt, hawkish darling of the existing political establishment, I’m offering another option. A write-in candiate who may not seem like an obvious choice, but after a few minutes of consideration will seem like the only choice.
That’s right. Write-in comedian Mike Eltringham. Check out my platform below. These are all changes I will make within my first 100 days in office:
* Babies are banned from rated R movies, and not allowed into any movies starting after 6pm.
* It will be hereby illegal for guys to hit on woman bartenders. To all guys who do that: it’s not real, Rico Suave. She’s working your ass. Just give them a decent tip already; don’t make them flirt with you to get it. In the interest of gender equality, it will also be illegal for male bartenders to hit on woman customers. Do your job and get me a drink. I know she’s hot but I’ve been waiting on a rum and coke for the last, like, ten minutes man.
* Anyone who publicly corrects someone else’s grammar on a social media post loses social media privileges for a week. If you want to feel superior from now on, you’ll have to DM them to do it.
* Another movie thing: everyone puts their cell phone in a box before entering the theater so no one can check it. And no talking…unless everyone agrees the movie sucks, and decides we’re all going to trash it together.
* The government will forcibly seize control of the DC Extended Universe from Zack Snyder and take over the reigns. I’ll appoint a special government task force to direct solid, faithful to the source material adaptations of Batman and Superman.
* Standing on the left side of an escalator equals one day in jail.
* “Everything bagels” will no longer be called everything bagels. They’ll be referred to as “smelly bagels.”
* Standard tip is still 20% but if your server says, “We have specials but I’m not going to bore you with that shit,” you are legally obligated to tip them 50%.
* If someone attempts to get on the subway before everyone’s exited, you can shoulder block that person without worrying about a pesky assault charge.
* Cinnabon will be hit with heavy corporate fines until they explain why they don’t spell it as “Cinnabun.” Are they hiding something? It seems like they spell it “-bon” so they can get away with something if they ever get sued. “Well, technically we never claimed they were buns, so…”
* If you fart in a crowded room or elevator, you must admit it. Not sure how we’ll enforce this one, but I’m hoping technology catches up to policy by the time I’m in office. Maybe we save this item for my second term.
That isn’t comprehensive but I think it’s a good start. The polls are open for another seven hours or so, so that should give us plenty of time to mount this revolution. Spread the word, and God Bless America.