In a stunning, unprecedented move, CNN has released the questions moderator Lester Holt will ask the candidates in tonight’s first 2016 presidential debate. Here they are, verbatim:
* There have been controversies surrounding both your charities, the Trump Foundation and the Clinton Foundation. My question: why didn’t you think up more original charity names?
* Which one of you would win in a physical fight? If you say yourself, prove it right here on this stage. (Secretary Clinton may choose Bill to fight in her place, but she must then catfight Melania)
* While I have a lot of self-confidence in spite of it, we can all agree “Lester” is a creepy sounding name because it automatically conjures thoughts of the word “molester.” What specific legislation would you two enact to prevent people from naming future children Lester?
* Secretary Clinton: emails or pneumonia?
* Mr. Trump, your doctor is fucking weird looking. Why trust your health with someone who looks like a Fred Armisen character?
*If you two had a baby, what do you think it would look like? Pretty weird, right?
* How ’bout this weather we’re having?
* Mr. Trump, how would you explain yourself to an alien visiting our planet? Would be damn near impossible, wouldn’t it? I mean what are you, really? You were on TV but only because you were a businessman, but you’re not that good of a businessman. Anyway, food for thought. Your brand is confounding.
* Would you two read a blog post with the title “10 Times Hillary and Trump Were Like the Sam and Diane of Politics?” Because it’s currently available on my blog, lesterholt.wordpress.com.
* Secretary Clinton: do you realize that everyone saying, “Hillary campaigning with pneumonia is badass!” was the equivalent of saying, “My only weakness is I work too hard” in a job interview?
* Mr. Trump, you’ve claimed climate change is a hoax perpetrated by the Chinese. Are you sure it’s them and not Lex Luthor?
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