Hello, Fall. Goodbye, Crippling Fear of Being Crushed by a Falling A/C Unit!

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It’s the last day of summer. That means several things are around the corner: Halloween. Thanksgiving. Leaves changing colors.

But what’s most important to me and what WON’T be appearing, and that’s my crippling fear of being crushed by a falling air conditioning unit.

Don’t get me wrong, I love autumn as much as the next guy. But the hallmarks of the season are not what I look forward to most. Apple cider is delicious, but it can’t beat the promise of no more 80 pound A/C units precariously hanging out of a window so high that falling on your head would spell your inevitable demise.

This time of year gives us such a strong sense of community. No matter your race, color, or creed, everyone agrees this is the time of year for pumpkin spice lattes and a slightly smaller chance of being killed by an airborne coolant!

It’s an absolutely magical time of year. Crisp, cool wind running through your hair in Central Park as you take in the foliage is an otherworldly experience. The best part about that cool, crisp air? It’s natural, made by God, not some large, oblong device that will decimate you in ways that would make Wile E. Coyote barf.

No holiday encapsulates Fall like Thanksgiving, right? I’d contend that the reason we enjoy it so much is the relief. Relief at being with family and friends, but also at not having to constantly question the integrity of the window brackets securing those box-like killers from above. “I don’t think they installed it right. I don’t think ANYONE on this block installed it right. This is like walking through an inverted minefield.”

Or maybe Halloween’s more to your liking. One costume no one’s ever worn, that they’ve worn in the summer? Flattened ER patient.

Walking down the street now is a pleasure. You can take your time. Summer walks are spent sprinting from awning to awning, pausing in a panic for brief respite from the abject terror that awaits you once you leave the awning’s protective bosom. Not only will you get sweaty from running so much in the heat, you’ll get to a point where you now welcome Death’s sweet release just to get it over with. You’ll duck into a hardware store, and with a dazed look in your eye mutter incomprehensibly under your breath to an unpurchased A/C unit. “Do it already, you chicken shit,” you’ll scream. As the staff at Home Depot pull you away maybe they’ll try to calm you but it’s in vain. Even if they don’t get you this summer, the Summer Solstice is right around the corner. A/C units, like the Grim Reaper, inevitably come for us all.

Of course, there’s always the risk you’ll hang yourself after getting tangled in Christmas lights, so I guess every season has its risks. Happy holidays everyone! 

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