The Only Comment You’ll Hear About the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie Divorce From Me

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are getting divorced. I don’t care about this in the slightest and neither should you. Live your own life.

But, there is one visual it did cause me to think about, and that is this:


How funny would it be if she made Brad Pitt sleep on the couch?

Before the separation started. Long before the divorce was finalized. The first night they were fighting made Brad Pitt, the pinnacle of male perfection, the impossibly handsome superstar all women crave, grab his pillow and blanket and make the sullen walk downstairs to the living room to sleep on an uncomfortable pullout.

He stubs his toe walking over one of his kid’s toys, too.

He, the star of Moneyball, runs his hand over his long-on-top-short-on-the-sides Hollywood haircut before fluffing a decades old pillow covered in little kid spit. Settling in, the man who portrayed iconic character Tyler Durden shifts over and over again, trying in a vain attempt to get comfortable. “Angie can we talk about this?!” he yells upstairs to no answer. He grabs the remote and curls up in the fetal position. The Ocean’s 11 star then bends his knees to fit his tall frame on the little sofa. Crouched and miserable, he lays with his eyes open knowing he won’t get any sleep as the Scott Van Pelt Sportscenter taunts him in the background.

Even better: maybe earlier that night she ordered a delicious dinner for their entire family. Maybe she cooked it. I like to think Brad got in late, Angelina already knowing of his deceit. After she was done yelling at him, he may have said, “Did you at least save some dinner for me?” She shakes her head. “There are Totinos Pizza Rolls in the fridge.”

Now imagine Brad Pitt, curled up on the couch watching Sportscenter, an ill-fitting blanket over his legs as he burns his tongue on a crappy, way-too-hot Totinos Pizza Roll. To drink? A warm Diet Pepsi.

I don’t know anything about Brad Pitt, the man. I enjoy his work as an actor. I have nothing against him. But there’s something oddly satisfying about the thought of an Oscar-nominated actor envied by men and adored by women the world over banished to the living room while subsisting on terrible snack foods.

Good luck to both of them.

Oh and Brad, if you’re reading this: subscribe to my email list. It’ll help you deal.

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