I cancelled my cable recently, but not before they cancelled my account for me. I won’t name the company, but let’s just say it’s the result of a merger between two massive media conglomerates. One that may, or may not, rhyme with “Pime Borner.”
It was Time Warner.
Wait, I wrote their name in the title, didn’t I? Oh well, screw them.
They’d been horrible for years. One time a repairman sent to fix my service asked me to call to have someone else sent out, but asked that I “re-explain” the problem so his bosses wouldn’t know he had failed. Yes, of course, because your first concern, as a paying cable customer, should be that the guy who can’t fix your cable doesn’t get dinged on his performance review. That’s how you judge how good a cable company is. Not on the level of service. No, it’s based on how many raises you were able to get the guy who couldn’t help you get ESPN2.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was at the end of last month. I have a neighbor move in next door. For reasons not meriting a long explanation, when he called to set up his cable, Time Warner cancelled ours. I couldn’t believe it when I figured out that was the problem. It was like they got so tired of sucking, they were thinking of new, creative ways to suck. “What if we cancel their cable without asking them?”
“Forcing them to spend hours on the phone for access to the terrible service they already pay too much for? Ooooh, diabolical. Let’s do it. Also can we make their cable box explode?”
So I call up and complain and I’m forced to verify that I’m me. I don’t have my account number, so they make me go through a LOT of steps to do it. Sensing my frustration, the customer service rep tells me, “Sorry sir, but we have to verify you are who you say you are.” Which is great. You know what would have been better though? I just wish they’d been this thorough verifying whoever cancelled my cable. Because then I could have saved precious hours of my life I spent arguing with you cretins. Does anyone want to spend more time arguing with cable companies? No one looks back on their deathbed and softly whispers to their great-grandchild, “I have but only one regret…I should have spent more time arguing with Time Warner Cable phone reps over problems I didn’t cause.”
I didn’t even cancel my account after that. After complaining, they knocked a few bucks off my bill. I then get emailed a bill for the original amount. I call them up and explain my problem.
At this point you’re probably wondering: Mike, this blog makes me want to drill a hole in my head. I’m aware of that, Dear Reader. It is excrutiating for me to type, almost as excrutiating as it was for me to live. If you’d like to abandon ship at this point, I totally understand. Go nuts. Go check your Snapchat. My only hope at this point is some worthless office drone at Time Warner Cable is forced to read this entire blog. I have a complaint below, but before I get to it, I just want to assure the Time Warner person reading this that your company is rotten to the fucking core, your life’s work is worthless, and nothing I can possibly say can make you hate yourself more than I’m sure you already do. Good luck getting to sleep every night, fuck face.
Okay, back to my complaint: I now have two bills. One for the discounted rate, the second for the regular rate. I call up and explain. Here’s the triple whammy my patient, sweet customer service rep tells me:
* I have two bills because it appears my account was cancelled, and a new account was started for me. (If she had asked me why I’d decided to cancel my account, my eyes would have glazed over before bashed my head against the wall with a dumb, vacant smile on my face).
* The second bill actually UNDERCHARGED me. It was $16 MORE than what they’d originally told me. (Nothing quite like calling up to complain about a problem you didn’t cause only to be told you need to pay more. “Good news! It’s an easy fix – give us more money for the service that only works some of the time!”)
* The first, discounted bill had never been paid due to my account being cancelled (I would have loved if at this point she said, ‘Hey, why did you cancel your account anyway?’). When the account ended, my online auto-pay was shut off. Man, I really shouldn’t have cancelled my account, huh? Oh wait, that’s right, some fuck face who works for your cable company made the decision for me.
At this point, my mind is made up. I’m done with this bullshit. Customer service these days is pretty horrible. Corporations offer lower and lower levels of quality when it comes to service and cover it by every once in awhile having one of their lowly paid social media interns tweet something clever to make the company appear human. I’ve put up with a lot of garbage. I have never once had a company cancel my service without me asking. That was like a sign from above. (“MIKE, IT’S ME. GOD. GET HULU ALREADY, CHIEF. IT’S GOT EVERY SEINFELD AND NO IT GUY WILL EVER TELL YOU HOW YOU FUCKED UP.”)
I cancelled my account. They tried to hook me in with a lower rate while explaining how the whole thing was my fault. I declined and it felt great. Once you’ve made the decision to cancel a service no matter what, it’s one of the most freeing feelings you can have. I felt like the Joker during the interrogation scene in The Dark Knight. You’ve got nothing, nothing to do with all your strength! There was no offer their Mickey Mouse, piece of shit company could have pulled out of their ass to help me out. They could have made me a minority owner in Time Magazine and I still would have told them to go take a flying fuck.
Thanks for reading that. It felt great to vent. While you’re doing me one favor, how about you do me another and subscribe to my email list. Unless you work for Time Warner, in which case I totally understand why you wouldn’t.