What Happens When a Major Presidential Party Nominee Drops Out of the Race?

Hillary Clinton fell ill yesterday with what her reps are claiming is pneumonia. While it’s probably a minor illness highly unlikely to drive Clinton out of the race, it does beg the question: what’s the protocol for replacing a major presidential party nominee (either Clinton or Donald Trump) this late in the election cycle? I did a little research on the by-laws of the Democratic and Republican National Committees, and here’s what I came up with:

Democrats
There are a number of measures currently in place the DNC may take to name a replacement if Hillary Clinton drops out:

* Prospective nominees draw straws. The DNC will then choose whichever candidate they prefer who is holding a straw.

* Honestly they probably already have a robot called “Hillary 2.0” or something in case this sort of thing happens.

*All Democrats try on the shoe Hillary left on the sidewalk yesterday. Whoever it fits gets the nomination.

* Pie eating contest.

* Prospective nominees look at a bunch of sample emails. Those able to separate them as classified and non-classified will be considered for the nomination. Those who aren’t able to tell the difference…well, they’ll also be considered because…you know…I mean it wouldn’t really be fair…

* It’s an older law from a bygone era that’s regrettably still on the books, but: swimsuit competition.

* Reconvene the delegates and re-vote on the nominee. Though to save face they may make up a new set of rules specifically meant to disqualify Bernie Sanders. “New policy: no one who ran in the primary will be eligible. Also, no one who’s old…but like, Bernie old, not Hillary old. And no one who’s balding, socialist, or who looks like Larry David. There. That oughta cover it.”

* Most likely outcome: they nominate a never-before-seen Democrat named Barry President who is just Barack Obama wearing a pair of Groucho glasses.

Republicans
The two loudest white men have a duel. Old school pistols, ten paces, the whole deal. Winner gets the nomination. Loser dies like the pussy he is.

That’s it, they have no other way.

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