With the Drone Burrito, Virginia Tech Becomes Our Nation’s Greatest University

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Google’s parent company Alphabet, Inc. is planning a test program to deliver burritos via drone to students at my alma mater, Virginia Tech. No matter what standards you have for an institute of higher learning, “having drone burritos dropped on the student body” has to move VT to the top of the list, right? Forget academics or athletics. I graduated from a school that makes it rain barbacoa and corn salsa.

Now all I can picture is a shirtless and jubiliant Frank Beamer, running around the middle of Lane Stadium with his arms spread open like Andy Dufresne as burritos fall from the sky, nailing him in the face and chest.

My first thought, of course, was that I apparently attended VT too soon. On further introspection though, maybe missing this burrito innovation was fortuitous. My freshman year I stayed in Vawter Hall, a dorm located directly across from a dining hall known as the Hokie Grill. The Hokie Grill contained a Chik-Fil-A, a Pizza Hut, a BBQ joint and a Cinnabon. It was like Satan himself had put me there in an attempt to make me eat more garbage. I distinctly recall one morning wanting a Cinnabon but thinking, “Nah, I don’t want to get up.” I couldn’t even get motivated to do the least motivational activity known to man. But my point is even with those “lazy man” options available to me, I was still too lazy to walk the 50 feet required to go get them. Can you imagine how often my roommate Daniel and I would have been dialing up targeted burrito strikes at 157 Vawter? Three times a day we could just open a window and hold our hands out until a burrito slapped palm. Then we would have eaten them, well on our way to becoming the White Klump Brothers.

One weird thing about this method of burrito delivery: it shows how drone technology, which began with deadly bombs dropped on people, has now progressed to food delivery. It’s almost like someone wants to distract us: “Hey, didn’t you use these to kill innocent Middle Eastern people?” “Uhhh….hey who wants a pizza?”

Overall the idea of burrito by drone is a net loss for society. As more and more apps are designed to lessen our physical activity and social interaction, I predict innovations such as this will lead to the movie Wall-E becoming a documentary. Remember how humanity had all become too fat to do anything but ride around in a spaceship, getting fatter? If we keep designing technologies like this we’ll soon all be fat blobs confined to a chair voiced by Jeff Garlin.

But we’re not there yet, and to the lucky students of Virginia Tech I say: enjoy your burritos. Just make sure to order some lettuce on it too. And would it kill you to take a jog this weekend?

Whether you’re a Virginia Tech student, alum, or someone who inhabits the same planet as either, it’s a good idea to subscribe to my email list.

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