I’ve never done a drug harder than alcohol or walked through public with a bag of drugs on me, but to anyone who has: I came up with some free advice. This is so simple I can’t believe no one else thought of it first. Feel free to use it.
If you’re going to keep drugs on your person in public, also carry a bag of Bacon Bits with you. That way, when the dog comes up to you and starts sniffing, you can pull out the bag and go, “I’m sorry Officer, I forgot I had these!” Then give the dog some Bacon Bits, share a hearty laugh with the cop, and get the hell out of there.
If the dog keeps sniffing, that’s when you go to the second emergency bag of Bacon Bits stashed in your other pocket. “Oops, looks like he wants to have at these as well! Sorry Officer, it’s Monday and it felt like a ‘two bags of Bacon Bits’ kinda day! I hate everyone at my office and the promise of multiple bags of Bacon Bits are the only thing that keeps me going!”
If the dog’s still sniffing? Or what if you’ve got a bag of drugs smuggled up your ass? Well, you know were I’m going with this. That’s when you go to your third emergency option, stuff a bag of Bacon Bits up your ass. Yes, you read that correctly. This is what I call the “nuclear option.” If you’re willing to jam a bag of drugs up your ass, then you should also be willing to pad that with a bag of Bacon Bits. Actually, you know what, skip those other two options. Just go with this one. Because then once the cop sees it’s a bag of Bacon Bits, he’ll think you’re such a weirdo, he’ll want nothing else to do with you. I can’t imagine a drug cop would be so dedicated to his job he’d be willing to grab more than one bag of something out of somebody’s asshole. “Well, there was one bag in there, and it wasn’t drugs. If there’s anything else, he wins. They don’t pay me enough to search for more than one rectal bag.”
And if you do run into a particularly thorough cop who decides to go for the second bag? That’s when you go for the fourth, “nuclear nuclear” option: induce vomiting to reveal you’d been storing a bag of Bacon Bits in your stomach the whole time. Why’d you put the Bacon Bits in a plastic bag before ingesting them? Why not just eat them, as they’re not illegal to carry? How would the dog sniff something in your stomach anyway? These are all questions no cop will think to ask, as he’ll be too freaked out by the whole thing. He’ll probably run away while the dog eats from one of the 17 bags of Bacon Bits you’ve brought with you just so you could relax while carrying a dime bag.
So to recap: if you want to travel with drugs without worrying about getting busted, the simple solution is to jam bags of Bacon Bits into every pocket and orifice in the hopes it will throw the highly trained animal off the scent of your narcotics. Easy enough, right?
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