Why You Should Quit Fantasy Football

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It’s late August, so that means people all over the country are having their fantasy football drafts this week. I’ve played fantasy football since 2000. At my peak I’ve had as many as four teams at once. This year I’m down to one, a team I co-own with my brother. There’s no reason for anyone to do it. It sucks. Here’s why you should give it up:

It’s Expensive
Dues in leagues I’ve been in usually cost anywhere between $50-$100. If you’re in multiple leagues that could add up to hundreds. No one should have to shut the heat off just so they can “own” Tom Brady in multiple fake football leagues. Of course you have the option of playing in a free league on Yahoo with strangers, but what are you, some sort of sociopath?

It’s Never Not Frustrating
The draft is fun. If you do it in person, you can get together with some friends and have a party. After that? Get ready for months and months of being alternately angry, confused, and disappointed. You’ll have key players get injured and have free agent pickups backfire miserably. I remember one specific instance where I pumped my fist after reading an injury report that said, “DeSean Jackson’s Groin Not an Issue.” That’s waaaay too much of an emotional investment for any heterosexual man in the status of another man’s groin.

You’ll Tell People About Your Fantasy Team As If Your Unique Issues Are Relatable
From the people who brought you “People Who Describe Their Dreams” comes “People Who Tell You About A Very Specific Instance of Someone on Their Fantasy Team Under- or Over-Performing.” No fantasy football story in the history of humankind has ever been interesting. Also there is literally no combination of fantasy football events that have not already happened, so go ahead and cover the traffic and weather so we can hit the unholy trifecta of shitty conversation topics and move on.

You’re Probably Not Going To Win
Most leagues have somewhere between 8-12 teams. Only one wins the championship. Much like HBO’s The Night Of, you can’t be sure how any given fantasy football season is going to end, but it’s most likely not going to end well.

Even If You Win, You May Get Some Goofy Shit Like a Championship Ring or Trophy
I used to play in a league that gave out a trophy to the champion. It seemed like a great idea when we voted on it and after I won the championship, I was thrilled. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on it. When I got it, it was massive. I had no place to put it, so I settled on the windowsill next to my bed. The one I sleep in with my girlfriend. Nothing makes a woman question her relationship status quite like a giant object marking his ability to track the success of much more accomplished world class athletes. And to single guys out there, a bit of advice: if you have a fantasy football trophy, don’t put it in your bedroom. If she’s on the fence about you, seeing that won’t tip the scales in your favor.

“Oh cool, a football trophy. What position did you play?”

“Fake coach.”

“Oh. Hey I just remember I have to go, I have to feed my neighbor’s uh cat…” *sprints outside, never sees you again*

You Are Accomplishing Nothing Regardless of the Outcome
Your good or bad time is entirely dependent on the actual accomplishments of other men. Now you could argue that that describes all sports gambling (which I would absolutely classify fantasy as) or even watching sports in general. You may be right. But you spend a maybe a day watching football. You spend the entire week obsessing over your fantasy lineup. Having a few beers to watch the Giants play the Eagles for 3 hours is one thing. Derailing your job and social life to compare the stats of two fifth string wide receiver waiver wire pickups is another. You cost yourself productivity and in the long run, money. Plus I guarantee if your boss busts you for checking your fantasy team at work too much, none of your players are showing up to have your back. Though based on many NFL players’ reputations, maybe that’s a good thing. “Hey sir, this is Greg Hardy. I just want you to know Steve is a real standup guy, you should think twice about firing him. Wait, why are you backing away and mouthing ‘dial 9-1-1’ to your secretary?”

Bottom line: save your money (and time)  and put it towards one of your own endeavors. Or invest in daily fantasy sports, which is a sure thing and a totally great way to definitely win money.

One thing that never lost anyone ever money was subscribing to my email list.

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