Alex Rodriguez played his final game with the New York Yankees last night, and most likely the last of his career. As a lifelong Yankees fan I thought it would be fun to take a look back at some of A-Rod’s greatest moments:
1994: 18 year old A-Rod makes his debut at shortstop for the Seattle Mariners. He goes hitless in three at bats versus Boston. Afterwards he shrugs it off. “It was no big deal. I mean, it’s not like this was the seventh game of the ALCS after my team choked away a 3-0 lead, right?” A-Rod then laughed nervously and gulped.
2000: Rodriguez signs a contract that at the time was the largest in baseball history: 10 years, $252 million. At his introductory press conference he assured the Texas fans the money wouldn’t change him before leaving via a solid gold jet pack.
2003: After being traded to the Yankees, A-Rod moves from short to third base to accommodate Yankee captain Derek Jeter. Jeter later adds insult to injury by smirking at A-Rod every time he made one of his many errors at short, saying, “Bet you woulda got that one, huh?”
2004: Rodriguez gets into a fistfight with Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek after Varitek tells Rodriguez, “We don’t throw at .260 hitters.” Which is weird, because based on the 61 times Varitek was hit by a pitch in his career and his .256 lifetime average, apparently the rest of the league did.
2009: A US Weekly report floats a rumor that A-Rod has two portraits of himself as a centaur above his bed. The sickest part of this? They werephotos. He had himself cloned twice then had the torsos of those clones sewn onto horses. Can you believe that? How the fuck did we as a society give this guy enough money to do that?
2009: After a stellar postseason performance, he leads the Yankees to their 27th World Series title. He used his World Series winnings to pay the medical bills for his horse clones he used for the centaur pics.
2014: Rodriguez received a season-long suspension for steroids. He spends the year doing charity work, teaching inner city youths how to do steroids.
2017: The Marlins cut him in spring training after he grounds into a Grapefruit League record 44 consecutive double plays.
If you’re an A-Rod fan hurt by this post, you should know my email list has a strict “No A-Rod jokes” policy. You should sign up.