Rumor has it that the 2016 Rio Olympic games opening ceremony will feature a performance in which supermodel Gisele Bundchen is “mugged.” I looked back through the years to find some other controversial moments during other Olympic opening ceremonies:
2014, Sochi: In order to make LGBT attendees more comfortable, Russian officials walked around offering special badges for them to wear, “ya know, so we know which people to be the nicest to!”
2012, London: James Bond actor Daniel Craig and Queen Elizabeth “dive” out of a helicopter, followed by them landing with a full-on makeout session and unsimulated sex scene.
2008, Beijing: The world marveled as the Chinese ceremony featured elaborate special effects, performance pieces and fireworks. Chinese officials weren’t sure what all the fuss was about, as they said the entire ceremony was only showing the process of making one iPhone.
2006, Torino: Nobody watches the Winter Olympics, so they just screened Clint Eastwood’s film Gran Torino. What’s that, you say? Gran Torino came out in 2008, two years after the 2006 Torino Winter Olympics? Well too fucking bad, because I’m not writing another fucking joke for this one.
2004, Athens: Despite being the site of the first Olympics and having thousands of years of Greek culture to pull from, the best they could come up with was a Powerpoint presentation on the different brands of Greek yogurt.
2000, Sydney: The ceremony was interrupted by an actor playing a mugger brandishing a knife, only to have the entire Australian audience say in unison, “You think THAT’S a knoife?” like Crocodile Dundee, then moving their handheld signs to create a picture of a large knife followed by them saying, “THAT’S A KNOIFE!”
1980, Lake Placid: The U.S. presentation included a patriotic celebration of American history and the American hockey’s team eventual gold medal that year, which of course was fixed after gamblers paid off the Russians and the rest of the world’s hockey teams to let the U.S. win.
1936, Berlin: Included a giant banner over the proceedings that read “GERMANY WELCOMES YOU (unless you’re Jewish, black, gay, Catholic, brown, yellow, Hindu, or basically anyone that doesn’t look like the Von Trapp family)
I haven’t seen Gisele’s mugging performance yet, but I’m positive this one is better:
Also, why haven’t you subscribed to my monthly newsletter yet? Each month I send out naked pictures of Gisele for crying out loud.