What if Miss Teen USA Was DMX in a White Girl Mask This Whole Time?

dmx karlie.jpg

Karlie Hay was crowned Miss Teen USA on Saturday night and within hours of her victory, the Internet discovered she had used the n-word a lot on her Twitter account a few years ago. Now, in this day and age it’s easy to jump all over someone who did something stupid, especially a teenager. But rather than crucify this girl, shouldn’t we examine all the possible reasons why she said what she said? Maybe she had an excuse.

For example: what if she was actually DMX wearing a white girl mask this whole time?

Suddenly her use of the n-word isn’t so problematic, is it?

It may seemed far-fetched, but it’s more likely than you think when you start connecting the dots. X released his last album in 2012 (a 2015 album was released by his former record label against his wishes). Maybe he got sick of celebrity life and being noticed everywhere he went. Maybe he saw a Mission: Impossible movie and thought, “Hey, that mask thing would be a cool thing to use. I’d probably be able to go to the movies without people barking at me.”

So maybe he adopts a a second identity. And what is the identity you’d least expect to be DMX? Teenaged white girl named Hayley. That was her name, right?. Or was it Kayla?

Given that it would take him at least a year to build the Mission: Impossible face-changer thingy, I think the gap between “her” racist tweets and X’s last albums fit my “Kylie is DMX” theory perfectly. It also makes perfect sense he’d have trouble shedding his old vernacular as he eases into his new identity.

Once he gets the hang of it, he becomes accustomed to the constant stream of compliments as Miley, or Darla, or whatever her name is. Famous rappers may get a lot of adulation, but very rarely are they told they’re pretty.  At some point he also begins missing the limelight. What better way to capitalize on your new look and boost your ego at the same time? Enter a beauty pageant. And of course he’d win once he entered. A great performer is a great performer, whether the performance is rapping or giving vapid answers to questions about world peace. I bet as he was being crowned he even whispered, “You think this is a game? You think this is a…fucking…game?” to himself as he did that regal pageant wave.

See? Just like that, I’ve absolved Harley of any wrongdoing. I’m sure what seems like a case of an idiot kid saying horrible, racist things she doesn’t understand the weight of is actually just a rapper who’s allowed to say that word while executing an intricate plot to disguise himself as a beauty pageant contestant. After all, as Occam’s Razor tells us: the simplest theory is usually correct.

If you want to hear more beauty pageant contest/rapper conspiracy theories, subscribe to my monthly newsletter. Next month I’ll tell you why I think Vanessa Williams was actually Rakim.


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