Everybody Needs to Take it Easy on Fat Tony Romo

tony romo.jpg

Tony Romo showed up for Dallas Cowboys’ training camp and if the pictures are be to believed, he’s looking a little…well, fat. Naturally, the Internet exploded with mockery. As a longtime New York Giants fan and Cowboys hater, this isn’t easy for me to say, but everybody needs to lay the hell off Tony Romo. Here’s why:

You’re definitely in worse shape than Tony Romo. 
Who are you to laugh at him? Even with a gut he’s still a world class athlete. You probably can’t get through a spin class without stopping halfway in a huff, wordlessly holding up a finger to indicate to the teacher you need a minute.

There are better things to make fun of him for. 
What’s wrong with ridiculing him for having an otherworldly knack for throwing interceptions at the worst possible times? Did that get old? At this point his ability to do that is unmatched and actually impressive. The man is the Picasso of reverse-clutch interceptions. To draw attention to his weight is to overlook his greatest flaw.

As much as we all want to hate him, the man is a saint.
You hate him because he plays for the Cowboys. There’s no other reason.  He stops to help people fix flat tires, for God’s sake! If I saw someone with a flat tire not only would I not stop, I’d hold a hand up in front of my face and risk an accident so they thought I couldn’t see them.

Having a fat quarterback could have its advantages. 
Quarterbacks need to lead their team in every facet. On the field. In practice. During the pregame meal. Football teams need a guy under center they can go to battle with, and who better to lead you into battle than the guy leading you onto the field from the cafeteria, wielding a baguette like a sword the whole way?

Plus, remember when Jared Lorenzen was a backup for the Giants? He was like 300 lbs. and they called him “The Pillsbury Throwboy.” How great would it be to bring that nickname back for a quarterback who actually plays?

You think Fat Tony Romo is funny? How about “Morbidly Obese” Tony Romo?
Fat shame him now and he may trim down. I want to see him get fatter. I want to see linebackers fly past a lumbering, 300 lb. Tony Romo going after a fumble. I want to see him lose his breath during a three step drop. I want him to sit on one of the bench by himself, catapulting the three guys sitting on the other side of the bench into the air. I want to see him squeeze his fat head out of his helmet on the sideline so he can see how many brats he can stuff in his fat face.

Do you, Fat Tony Romo. I’m sure you’ll still be able to throw bombs down field with one hand while holding a piece of cake in the other one.

One thing’s for sure: no matter how fat he gets, even Tony Romo knows you should subscribe to my monthly newsletter.


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