A few nights ago Elizabeth and I saw The Killing Joke, the new animated Batman movie based on one of the most iconic stories from the comics. It sucked. They added an entire Barbara Gordon (aka Batgirl) backstory that betrayed the character and didn’t work. In one of the more controversial additions, Barbara, in costume, has sex with Batman on a rooftop. While the scene sucked, it did make us think.
Here’s how it went down: they show Batgirl stripping off her suit. They show Batman, fully clothed, laying down on the ground. The rest is implied.
So how exactly does Batman have sex in the batsuit?
I’m not talking about a planned out, post-date encounter at stately Wayne Manor. I’m saying how does Batman, when confronted with a spontaneous sexual offer he can’t pass up, go from fully suited to hitting the Bat-Skins? After giving this a lot of thought (I saw the film two days ago and have been scribbling theories on white boards in my living room ever since), here are the most likely answers I’ve came up with:
He takes the whole thing off
This is what most people do, but I don’t think it works for Batman. Even people wearing normal clothes have a hard time getting naked quickly. No matter what version of the Batsuit we’re talking about, it ain’t a pair of Dockers and a t-shirt. Plus can you imagine Batman awkwardly hopping around on one foot trying to get a boot off while Vicki Vale has second thoughts? And I get that Bruce is a highly trained ninja, but I’m having a hard time believing “disrobing fast so you can beat them guts wit da quickness” was covered in Ra’s al Ghul’s curriculum.
Likelihood (on a scale of one to ten): 1
He uses a built-in Bat-Sexflap
You know how little kids will have that weird butt flap on the backs of their pajamas for when they go the bathroom? What about this, but on the front of the Batsuit? I’d say this one’s unlikely based on the flap probably being super noticeable, leading to some weird questions from Gordon. “Okay so we’ve got Clayface and Riddler robbing the bank over on….uh, wait a minute, are those two large fastening buttons on either side of your dick?”
He uses a customized batsuit designed specifically for sex
Piggybacking off the last idea: you know how Bruce loves his gadgets. Maybe he has a special suit just for this occasion. At the very least it would lead to a fun discussion with Lucius Fox.
LUCIUS: You’ve heard of the Bat-a-rang? I call this the Bat-a-Bang. And in case you were wondering, it works on African American women.
BRUCE: Well of course it would, why wouldn’t it? Seems kinda weird that you’d single them out unless….wait…no, Lucius, don’t say it –
LUCIUS: So I guess what I should really say is, yes, Mr. Wayne…
BRUCE: Don’t say it –
LUCIUS: …you can come in black.
He takes off only his pants then does the deed with the cape and cowl still on
This is the most practical idea and also produces the funniest visual. Can’t you imagine Batman walking to the fridge bareass after banging Catwoman, mask still on? “SELENA! DID YOU EAT THE LAST SLICE OF DEVIL’S FOOD CAKE? God, I told her I ws saving that…ALFRED….WAKE YOUR OLD ENGLISH ASS UP AND GO TO THE BAKERY TO GET ME SOME MORE CAKE. AND NONE OF THAT STOREBOUGHT SHIT. IF YOU BRING ANOTHER ENTENMENN’S INTO THIS HOUSE I SWEAR TO GOD…”
Likelihood: 8 (higher rating because I hope this is how he’d handle it)
He passes all together because he’s Batman
Please, you think he’s giving in to temptation? He’s Batman. Nothing can sway his focus. Here’s how I imagine it going down:
BATGIRL: Oh Batman, let’s do it.
BATMAN: Will this make Gotham safer?
BATGIRL: What? No, it’ll just be fun.
BATMAN: Oh. In that case I gotta go because beating up Two Face is more important to the citizens of Gotham than me Bat-Nutting.
End of scene, end of love story.
So I think that settles it. I vote Batman doesn’t partake in sex while dressed as Batman. Why? Because he can take it. Because he’s not a hero. He’s a celibate guardian, a virginal protector. The Blue-Balled Knight.
To find out the answers to more questions about superheroes and sex, sign up for my monthly newsletter. In August we’ll tackle whether or not Aquaman does it with fish.