Margot Robbie had an interview in Vanity Fair recently and a lot of people on the internet are calling it sexist. Check out the first paragraph for yourself:
Is that sexist or just nonsense? Short answer: it’s both!. It’s obvious why it’s sexist. The nonsense part is what I’ll focus on here. Let’s go through this paragraph, line by line:
America is so far gone, we have to go to the Australia to find the girl next door.
I’m not sure who should be more insulted by this, American women or all Americans. Even if you wanted to make the point that America sucks, there are so many things you could point to before “we don’t have a good girl next door.” Forget mass shootings and the horrible presidential candidates. America sucks because we have to travel to the southern hemisphere to find a woman worth objectifying!
In case you missed it, her name is Margot Robbie.
I did miss it when she was named America’s Official Girl Next Door.Was it a pageant or an election? Does she get a houseboat in the Atlantic or Pacific Ocean so she can literally live next door to America?
She is 26 and beautiful, not in that otherwordly catwalk way but in a minor knock-around key, a blue mood, a slow dance.
Here we have our first true stretch of nonsense. “Otherwordly catwalk way” I guess I can understand, though if taken literally it brings to mind a fashion show on the moon. But “a minor knock-around key, a blue mood, a slow dance,” is a Mad Libs-level collection of words signifying nothing. That sentence make me worry he was having a heat stroke as he wrote it. Drink some water, man.
She is blond but dark at the roots.
Allright, well I guess this is just a fact he’s stating here. Not sure why he’s pointing it out. “She is blond, but not in the same way seen on most interstellar catwalks.”
She is tall but only with the help of certain shoes.
This sounds like something you’d say during a fight with your significant other when you’re running out of things to be mad about. “And I’ll tell you something else…I don’t like how you eat rice with a spoon!”
She can be sexy and composed even while naked but only in character.
Did you hear that? The Hollywood starlet most people think is beautiful can be sexy “even while naked.” But there’s a catch. She can only be sexy while naked when she’s in character. Before she goes to bed with somebody she has to do a monologue. “Hey, do you mind if I perform a soliloquy from Macbeth real quick? Be a dear and hand me that prop skull off the nightstand.”
As I said, she is from Australia.
Now it’s starting to sound like he didn’t interview her and he’s filling space with stuff he read off her Wikipedia entry. “Robbie,the Aussie actress whose article requires cleanup to meet Wikipedia’s quality standards….wait, no…ignore that last part.”
To understand her, you should think about what that means. Australia is America 50 years ago, sunny and slow, a throwback, which is why you go there for throwback people.
Do they have water fountains for “coloreds only? Because that was America 50 years ago. I don’t think that’s what the “throwback people” he’s referring to are throwing back to. Also, what are “throwback people?” Does everyone in Australia walk around dressed like the cast of Grease?
They still live and die with the hot turns of soap operas in Melbourne and Perth, still dwell in a single mass market in Adelaide and Sydney.
Ah yes, the hallmarks of any great society: soap opera consumption and having only one place to buy groceries. While historians can argue over exactly what made the Roman Empire great, they cannot disagree it’s two greatest features were its single Safeway and their obsession with the Roman version of the Bold and the Beautiful.
In the morning, they watch Australia’s Today Show.
“Do you guys know they have McDonald’s there too?!?!”
In other words, it’s just like America, only different.
Now he sounds like a kid doing a report on Australia, only he forgot to do the research so he’s stalling for time. “Australia, home to kangaroos and koalas…is uh….it’s big. And uh…did I mention the kangaroos?”
Based on this, here’s the opening paragraph to my Zac Efron profile I’m pitching to Vanity Fair:
Zac Efron is a hunk. But not a hunk in the classical sense I’ve defined in my head. He has a six pack, but it doesn’t exactly resemble a washboard. He has a nice tan, but he has to lay in the sun for several hours to get it. According to Wikipedia, he is from San Luis Obispo, California. Here is what you must understand about that town: it is located halfway between San Francisco and Los Angeles.There they watch The Today Show, Fox and Friends, and soap operas. They have many grocery stores though, so I’m not sure how good of a place it is.
See? Try it yourself at home. If you can write an vapid, sexist article about a celebrity then you too can write for Vanity Fair!
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