Tim Kaine Spoke At My College Graduation. Here’s What I Learned From Him.


Tim Kaine, Hillary Clinton’s vice presidential pick, was the governor of Virginia from 2006-2010. I graduated from Virginia Tech in May of 2006 and Governor Kaine was our commencement speaker. His entire speech is available here. His words were powerful and I’d like to share the key points I took away from his speech that day:

Bragging about going to Central America to help poor people was popular even before social media. Governor Kaine dedicated a healthy portion of his speech to an anecdote from his time doing missionary work. Nice to see that not all virtue signalling comes in the form of an Instagram post.

* Tim Kaine likes giving long speeches. Maybe it was just that I was itching to get this over with so I could hang out with my family then get drunk with my friends, but man oh man was this a long ass speech. I will say though the clouds that day were beautiful. I got a good look at them while looking upwards and exhaling loudly as I said, “Let’s wrap this up, Timmy!”

* Hearing a governor speak will not make the decision of where to get food after your graudation any easier. My whole family was there, so should we do pizza? You know the restaurants are going to be packed. But then again, pizza is going to take forever because so many people are thinking the same thing. It’s a tough call. We ended up going to an Applebee’s off -campus, but I can tell you the Governor gave us no insight into which way we should go. You’re supposed to be our state’s leader. Give us some guidance. “Congratulations, Class of 2016. Oh and also, what if you got like one of those big ass party sandwiches? Jimmy John’s probably sells them, right? You may have to order in advance but if you call now you’re probably good. I don’t know, just a thought.”

* The ending of his speech, not captured in the remarks, was oddly prescient. While the link above says his remarks ended with the phrase, “Good luck!” it fails to mention when Kaine ran back up to the podium during the next speaker and said, “Oh and uh I don’t know if any of you are gamblers, but if you want to put money down on Hillary’s pick for VP in 2016, look no further than your boy here.” He then left, seemed to remember something, ran back up to the mic, and said, “The reason I know that is that I, Tim Kaine, have mastered time travel. I also built one of those Men in Black memory erasers and realize I’ve said too much so I’ll have to use it. Look at this bright light.” It didn’t work on me because I was looking up at the sky while checking my watch and saying, “COME ON. Get this over with. You’re already governor, you don’t need our votes.”

So yeah, if I had to pick two main takeaways, I’d go with Tim Kaine’s ability to travel through time and design a functional if not rudimentary neuralizer like the one they used in Men in Black.

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