Avoid the Zika Virus if You’re Pregnant (or Anyone Else)

It is my expert medical opinion that this whole Zika virus thing? Not good. Yesterday morning I saw this promoted NYC Department of Health & Mental Hygiene tweet in my timeline:


I understand that Zika virus is “especially dangerous for pregnant women and babies,” so that warning absolutely makes sense.

But shouldn’t you be extending that warning to everyone else too?

Could you say, “Pregnant? Trying? Don’t fly where there’s Zika. Oh and if you’re NOT pregnant, and NOT trying…it’s also probably a good idea for you to not fly to where there’s Zika.  If you’re pregnant and you get it, it’s very bad for you and the baby. If you’re not pregnant and you get it, it’s not quite as bad, but it’s still really bad. No baby will be harmed, but you’re not going to like what happens to you.”

Plus you know there’s some idiot out there reading it thinking, “Whoa, I’m not pregnant! In fact, I CAN’T get pregnant, I’m a dude! Brazil, here I come!” He’s throwing out all his mosquito repellent. “Won’t be needing any of this garbage! See ya later, Citronella!” He even gets in the mosquitoes faces when he gets there, taunting them. “Oh, what are you going to do? You gonna give me a Zika you little bitch? Well go for it dumb ass, I’m not even with child! My fat belly is due to overeating and my inactive lifestyle, so good luck!”

The other warning I’ve seen around the city is “Beware of standing water.” Apparently that’s a good place for mosquitoes to hang out. Yeah, that’s just good advice even during non-Zika times. You’ll never hear the CDC say, “We’ve eliminated Zika. It is now safe to consume as much standing water as you can drink.” Canada Dry isn’t coming out with a new puddle-flavored seltzer.

But back to the sign from earlier: forget for a second that pregnant women and babies are more susceptible to Zika, as it sort of derails my next joke. What if the guy who wrote the sign had an ex who was pregnant by an Olympic athlete, and this was his way of convincing her to stay here during the Rio Games? “Pregnant? Trying? Do not fly where there’s Zika.” Then at the bottom of the sign it says, “You hear me, Beth?” Then on the back: “Look, I may not have a great body like him, but does he make you laugh the way I do? I bet he never even cries after you guys have sex. Sensitive guys like me do that.” Then a few days later NYC releases a second flyer with the same graphic that says, “I’m sorry I’m not a world class rower. I thought having a stable job and a nice car would be enough for you. But nothing was ever enough, Beth, was it?”

But seriously, if you’re pregnant, don’t go to Brazil. Even if you’re dating a world class rower. Is rowing even an Olympic sport? Tune in to next week’s blog to find out.


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