Contrary to This Sign, Pizza Will Not Make You Thin

Uno's

Forget everything you knew about dieting and healthy eating. Forget starving yourself to fit into a bathing suit. Forget sacrificing delicious pizza in the name of shedding pounds.

Based on the sign I noticed outside the Uno’s Pizzeria in my neighborhood, the Chicago-based chain has apparently designed a pizza that will actually help you get thin. This is a groundbreaking development in the worlds of both pizza and nutrition. If anyone needs me, I’ll be the one at the Uno’s bar ordering a pizza while yelling, “Six pack abs, here I come!”

What I don’t get about the sign is how they thought putting quotation marks around the word “thin” would do anything to change the meaning or intent of the word. It would make more sense if they said, “Get Thin (Crust Pizza) With Us!” Or if they had an asterisk: Get Thin* With Us! with a message below the asterisk:

* = Thin as in ‘Thin Crust Pizza,’ not ‘thin’ as in the state of being thin. You will not get in better shape as a result of eating our pizzas. In fact you will probably get very fat. Also ,we will not actually be getting it “with” you either. You are responsible for purchasing your own pizza pie. This sign is in no way an indicator that Uno’s Pizzeria will assume or split (aka “go halves”) the cost of one (1) pizza pie. You are on your own. So to recap, not only will you NOT get thin, we won’t even really be eating it with you. This entire sign is a lie. You know something? If any aspect of this sign actually convinced you to eat pizza at our restaurant, you deserve what you get. Did you legit think you’d get thin from eating pizza? Or that we, the staff at Uno’s, would want to share a pizza with you? You’re pathetic. At this point I don’t even want you to eat here. So get out. No, I’m serious. Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. This. Unos oh shit I’m running out of room on this sign. 

Another possible explanation: they changed the menu to all health foods, and the “get ‘thin'” phrasing next to the picture of a pizza is just a trap to lure people in to eat healthier. Some guy walks in, looks around confused, and says, “Hey where’s the pizza that will make me skinny?” before a team of Uno’s servers and busboys jump him. Then they strap him to a chair and recreate the horrorshow scene from A Clockwork Orange, replacing the horrible images with forcefeeding him kale.

I really feel bad for any idiot who actually fell for it. I’m picturing a sad guy doubled over the bar, working on his fifth tray of pepperoni. He’s covered in sweat due to both his horrible diet and the anxiety creeping up on him as he realizes he won’t get thin from this. He doesn’t even like pizza anymore, its consumption has become a chore. He keeps going because he’s too far in to stop believing in the “Uno’s will make you thin” lie. He told all his friends and family about this “can’t-miss” diet based on a sign and he’ll look foolish if he quits. His last girlfriend left him over it. A single tear rolls down his cheek. He shakes his ice-filled glass of diet Pepsi in the hopes the bartender will refill it as he mumbles various grievances like “false advertising” or “how was I supposed to know they didn’t mean it literally.”

The weirdest part about this is how they transpose the phrase thin crust pizza with the property of being thin. On one hand, it may cause you to crave thin crust pizza. On the other hand, it may just make you picture a swimsuit model with a slice for a head. Something like this:

pizza girl
Oddly titilating isn’t it? Now you’ve got Uno’s to blame, or if you’re a weirdo thank, for that image.

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