Seriously, What the Fuck is Scott Baio Doing Speaking at the Republican Convention

charlesPolitically speaking, this country has rarely been as divided as it is now. No matter what side of the political spectrum you fall on, however, there’s one thing we as a nation can all agree on:

What in the fuck is Scott Baio doing speaking at a major political party’s convention?

Whether you’re Republican or Democrat, we can ALL agree someone known to a sizable chunk of our population as “Chachi” should not play any role in our nation’s democratic process. I don’t know if Trump is hard up for speakers, but there has to be someone better.

Here is a list of people who must be busy:

* Henry Winkler
* Any of the surviving cast from Happy Days, now that you mention it
* Mindy from Mork and Mindy
* Any other members of the Baio family who didn’t appear in Baby Geniuses 2

I’m just not sure on this stage, in which one of the two political parties unveils its platform, why we’d need to hear from the guy who starred in Zapped! You may read that and think, “Mike, I’ve never seen or heard of Zapped! I don’t know if it’s good or bad. How can you ridicule it?” I’ve never seen it either, but based on the exclamation point in the title it has to be garbage. When’s the last time a movie with an exclamation point in the title was any good? Even if there was one, when’s the last time a movie with an exclamation point in the title AND Scott Baio was any good? 

When’s the last time you thought, “I wonder what Scott Baio thinks about this political issue?” You’ve never heard a senator say, “Before we vote on this trade agreement, has anyone checked in with Scott Baio? Then a giant screen appears behind over the flag to reveal a smiling Baio: “I love this deal as much as I loved Joanie! By the way, you can buy Joanie Loves Chachi DVDs on my website!” When a Senator yells, “Are they on Blu Ray too?” Baio cups a hand to his hear feigning misunderstanding. “What’s that? I can’t hear you, guys. I’m signing off. We accept Visa or Mastercard at the website there. No Paypal. Don’t know how to use Paypal.”

Forget political issues, actually. When’s the last time you thought, “I wonder what Scott Baio thinks about” anything? When’s the last time you thought about Scott Baio, period? Scott Baio doesn’t even care what Scott Baio thinks about politics. If you brought another Scott Baio in from an alternative universe to our timeline tonight and said, “Here. Sit down in front of this TV and watch whatever you want,” what are the odds he’d tune into his own speech? Okay, probably pretty good, but once he got over the initial amazement of seeing himself on screen don’t you think he’d say, “Hey I could see what else is on? Is Zapped! on MovieMonster?” Then when I’m like, “What the fuck is MovieMonster?” he’ll say, “It’s my alternate universe’s version of Netflix.”

No, Alternate Universe Scott Baio. Zapped! is not on MovieMonster because MovieMonster doesn’t exist here. You’re stuck watching your dumbass speech even you don’t want to watch.

I don’t begrudge celebrities who have a political viewpoint on the right or left. But referring to Scott Baio as a “celebrity” at this point is stretching the limits of the word’s definition. Do you remember the show Charles in Charge? I guarantee your answer was “eh kinda,” or “vaguely” or just flat out, “no.” Willie Aames’ Buddy Lembeck character has more cultural cache.

(That last part isn’t really true but I had to get a Willie Aames reference in there.)

Ultimately, as messed up as this sounds, this may be symbolic of how healthy our country’s transitions of power are. In Turkey, people die in a bloody coup. In the U.S., we hear a speech from Scott Baio. I guess it could be worse.

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