Starbucks: Saving the World One Smug Hand Dryer At A Time

Every morning I wake up and go to Starbucks to write jokes.  On the hand dryer in the bathroom there’s a note that tells you how much energy consumption hand dryers save compared to paper towels.

The thing is though, there are no paper towels in the bathroom. You’re squashing non-existent competition. You don’t need to prove how much better hand dryers are than paper towels because at this moment, paper towels are my only option for drying my hands. It’s not like I’m going to walk out into the middle of Starbucks holding my wet hands up like, “NOPE. INSUFFICIENT JUSTIFICATION FOR THE CHOSEN DRYING MECHANISM. I REFUSE TO DRY.” Then I just shake my hands dry in the barista’s face like a wet dog.

I’m going to be honest: after I wash my hands in a public restroom, my number one concern isn’t the environment. It’s drying my hands as completely as possible. You know what’s more environmentally friendly than using a hand dryer? Not washing your hands. How about I just don’t come to Starbucks? Not handing over my cash saves paper, which saves trees. Or how about I just never leave the house? I’ll just stay curled up in the corner of my bedroom, mumbling about how green it is to be a hermit.

Maybe the Starbucks’ manager Dad was a rabid climate change denier, and this is his or her way of rebelling. “Did you guys put that sign up? Great, let me get a picture. This is going to RUIN Thanksgiving, I don’t care how many times Mom begs me to stop.”


One thought on “Starbucks: Saving the World One Smug Hand Dryer At A Time

  1. Pingback: The Barista Who is Way Too Obsessed With Whether or Not I Want a Banana | Mike Eltringham

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