How I Lost Zero Pounds On An All-Caesar Salad Diet

Like you, I’m trying to eat better. I figured the best way to do it is to eat something all the time that tastes good but is healthier than the usual suspects like fast food and takeout. So I started eating chicken Caesar salads for almost every meal. Though I generally feel better, I’ve yet to lose weight.

I know, I’m as surprised as you. I can’t believe eating maybe a dozen pieces of lettuce soaked in a cream-based, calorie-dense salad dressing has not yielded six-pack abs.

Contrary to popular belief, the Caesar salad was named not after the famed Roman emperor but after the 2016 Coen Brothers film, Hail Caesar. Ultimately, it really isn’t that good for you. I started eating them as a compromise to wean myself off habitually eating even worse stuff. The word “salad” in the title gives the appearance of healthfulness, but going through it, ingredient by ingredient, really tears down the facade.

Obviously, you’ve got the dressing. The key to making a salad taste as good as possible is to make every shred of lettuce look like Bill Murray in Ghostbusters after he got slimed. I won’t tell you what brand to go with, I’d just say to avoid the dressings put out by Ken’s Foods. They taste okay, but the real problem is every time you eat it, you’re forced to imagine Ken. Don’t think it will be a problem for you? Close your eyes and picture a guy named Ken. Got it? Okay, nothing against guys named Ken, but I’m going to wager a guess that the guy you pictured is not a guy you want handling your salad dressing.

After the dressing you have to add croutons. Croutons are the best food for when you want to feel like a pigeon. All you need is a 90 year old guy feeding them to you on a park bench to make your transition to bird complete.

Then you add your Parmesan cheese. I like to imagine Parmesan cheese was added as an ingredient to Caesar salads by a fat Italian guy in denial that he was eating salad instead of pasta. “Salad? What salad? This is a large plate of spaghetti and meatballs! Let me cover it in cheese just to prove my point. Here, I’ll try some…(chokes on lettuce, coughing)….Mmm…I love these…uh, green noodles. Somebody pass me a meatball and some olive oil! Let me also get a pastrami sandwich with extra Gabagool!” Then his voice breaks as he sniffs and says, “This is fuckin’ pasta.”

I forgot to mention the Caesar salad’s most integral and health ingredient: the lettuce. It’s not only the salad’s most healthful ingredient, it’s literally the ONLY healthful ingredient. Cheese, fatty dressing and croutons? Lettuce is like the one law abiding friend helping his criminal friends hide out at his place. The cops roll up on the party and the lettuce is shoving them all under with his hands. “GET UNDER THERE, GET UND….hey Officer! Nope, no one else here! Just me! You want to look under my leaves? Uh, get a warrant” then he slams the door. Or, you know, the lid of the salad bowl.

I know most salad bowls don’t have lids, but I needed something to make the salad-hideout metaphor work.


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